A day in a Mother's Life

A Promise worth keeping!

2012-01-25T14:44:00.002+05:30

I am not happy. It's one of those days when you sit back and ponder over your decision, understand the consequences, realize how life has to go on and gear up for the next day. And while I was doing this and feeling like stopping the work I was doing, yet realizing that I must, I felt this urge to write, for there is no better medicine for my foul mood. It's that elixir that clears my head and gives me the strength to move ahead. Every single time I have felt life's situations clawing over my though process, my words have come to my rescue. And hence my decision to put my work aside, just sit for a while and pen them down.

And when I thought about writing a blog I recalled my husband complaining that I never write about him! In fact he complains that I don't write at all now. There are no letters, no love notes and no text messages!!!! Hence here I am, keeping my promise.

Before he frowns that I have wasted half a page, let me assure him that I would dedicate the remaining half to him. So here's a letter, only for you.

Dear Husband,

I still remember the time I first saw you, sitting on that table in the college cafeteria and strangely whenever, to this day, I think about you, I can remember you the way you were, the first time I saw you. I remember a lot many things as well, the look on your face when you saw me crying in the rain for the very first time, the anger when I whimpered about my inability to persist and then the concern with which you bandaged my injuries, the mock smiles of derision and the sweet smile of love and appreciation. There are just so many things that I think about whenever I think about you. Obviously then there are the days when anger consume me and I think of all the bad days but this aint't that day.

You have been a splendid friend Prashant. And more than that, you have been the support that can not be expressed. When I was going through the labor pains and crying out, just the look of calm on your face filled me with a sense of reassurity that you would take care of me, that no matter what happens, it would be all right in a matter of time. Your look of appreciation still fills me with a sense of pride and I appreciate the way I look. Your confidence in my abilities make me want to try harder and sometimes perhaps a bit arrogant! Yet no matter what, your presence in my life completes me like none other.

Yes there are days when we don't see eye to eye. But that's because we are married. However, at the end of every argument I have felt that no matter how I see it, no matter what the repercussions...being with you is a habit I can't quit! and moreover, I can't quit.

Not many understand why we are together. To a third person we both come across as headstrong personalities with deep resentment for authority. What they however don't understand is that for some reason both of us complement the other in ways which are surreal. For this I thank you.

There are many things that I have to thank you for but that would be a little personal for such a public forum.

I can't comment on the kind of husband you are but you are a splendid friend, an awesome guide and my soul mate!

I love you jaan. And this is a kept promise! Your turn.

Kanu

P.S Anniversary is round the corner...shud I remind you of various promises made but still pending!!!!!! :)

And so it happens!

2012-01-12T13:02:00.003+05:30

Today is not a particularly happy day for me. My baby woke up when he realized that I had left my bed and started crying and calling for me, getting angry at the thought that I would be leaving him again. And I had to.
Its been a week that I have been working and every single day is a fight. The first day he was okay, the second he did not understand and now he does. I can hear him calling my name when I ring the bell in the evening and my heart cries out for leaving him for the entire day. And yet I know that it is for the best.
Yet today I felt I am making choices where I am giving precedence to my career. Today I realize that being a mother is not easy. FOr every decision which would be remotely selfish would make guilt run through your system and make you wonder if you are a good person.
Two years I was with him. I saw him grow, witnessed his antics, his small little tantrums, the way he started walking, making faces, repeating words. His first words, calling me ma...I remember everything and would never truly forget. And yet I collected myself, got dressed and left the house.

Sometimes being a mother is more about ensuring the future of your child. You need to compromise on the present only because you know that tomorrow is yet to come. Decisions today would alter my tomorrow. I only pray from god that I don't make a wrong one today in hope of a tomorrow!

Giving roots to my dreams

2010-08-30T11:40:00.003+05:30

I sat idling around on a Sunday and browsing through channels when I stopped on the umpteenth telecast of Baghban on one of the channels. And because I was interested in watching the next movie, I tried to be patient and tolerate the last scene of Baghban....I mean...it couldn't really hurt could it? And then Amitabh Bachan started speaking...How life is like a tree and parents are the roots, that hold you steady and nurture you for life. I would like to improvise a little.
Parents are not only the root....they are the entire tree. Holding you steady as you move forward in life, the strong trunk that ensures you to relax and rest your head on them, and the gentle shade of the leaves that save you from the harsh sun and the merciless rain. And after my mother died...I felt like the fruit that had been snatched from its tree and thrown in the wilderness. I felt the harsh sun for the first time, felt how horrible rains can be...without their love and protection, the world was an ugly place to be. With time I was thrown from boulder to boulder, was pushed on by the torrents of time and I just flowed with it. It was harsh...and it is tough trying to survive on your own. And then...I looked at my son, playing animatedly with his toys and my nephew trying to attract his attention and I realized that the Circle of Life was just beginning anew. It was time for me to rest and grow my own roots. I have to be there for them now...I have to be the strength they would need when they stumble, I have to protect them from sun and rain and all the things hostile, I have to nurture them and be there for them.

It's time I gave roots to my little angel...so that he can grow up feeling the love I have been so lucky to have had. And God willing...I shall do that!

I still remember............

2010-08-15T23:57:00.003+05:30

I still remember the days gone by...15th August.......remember waking up to find my father watching the news...to be precise The PM's speech, the relaxed breakfast, the kite flying frenzy, the sulking and fighting with bhaiya...insane loud music and high energies...the laughter of childhood...pure and content. I still remember.

It is aptly said that the sweetest songs are those that remind you of saddest thoughts...something my father often quoted. I still remember him quoting Wordsworth, Keats and so many more and I never realized where did I get my love for literature! It's all gone now...only memories reside...memories of a beautiful childhood, a time when I slept knowing that I would be woken up with a warm smile. Memories of strong steady and warm hands that would engulf the shivering tiny hands and warm up the coldest decembers...

8 years ago on this day at around this time I was sitting with my father as he watched Border for the umpteenth time. 8 years ago I didn't know that he was to be with me for only another week...

It's just not the same without him...

Still waiting

2010-05-14T11:07:00.002+05:30

Time they say flies away. And with a kid you are hardly aware of the seconds turning into minutes and days turning into weeks. So they say.....

It is such a long long wait. First you wait to see his face and then greed sets in. No sooner can he look at you and giggle, you want him to laugh. HE turns a little on the bed and you want him to sit up and run to you. He starts making small gurgling noises and you want him to call you ma!

And guess what...it takes time. More so because you are waiting and waiting and waiting. He is six months old, can start seeing a glimmer of naughtiness lurking on the corner of his small mouth. HE makes cute little faces and has started tying to imitate and draw attention by small little antics. And I am greedy....waiting for more. Waiting for the day he would call me ma, take his first step, laugh and hug me, kiss me...

Still waiting....

Confession

2010-05-08T08:27:00.003+05:30

They say the birth of a child is rebirth of a woman. She comes through from that treacherous journey and is reinvented. Nothing is ever the same again...Who would know it better than me? And like me all the women who took up the journey and are now proud mothers. On the eve of Mother's Day, I decided to give a small tribute to all the women out there who would understand what I am talking about. To the young mothers like me, fighting hard to adjust...to the seasoned ones, sailing effortlessly through life...I salute you all.
I lost my own splendid mother two and a half years ago and never did I miss her the way I did when I was about to become a mother. i did not have her loving hand on me or her reassuring face or that steady voice telling me that everything would be okay! And yet I could see her face as clearly as daylight and imagine her smiling down at me, telling me that very soon...very soon I would know what it is like and how amazingly the pain is all worth it. But the journey seemed to go on without many joys and I would be honest with you all...the first six months were enough to dampen all my spirits and well...make a wreck out of me. I was sad and depressed most of the times. call it mental fatigue or physical exhaustion; words don't matter. The fact remains that every time I looked at my bundle of joy I only wished my mother was there, right next to me, taking care of him for me while I got on with my life.
I ached to go out and party with my friends, spend candle light dinners with my husband and play with my child. But none of those things was I able to do. What with my husband mostly away from me for work, I was all alone, fending for myself and my baby. And hate me for saying it, I hated it. My thoughts kept getting darker, my waist line broader and my mood sulkier than ever. I was ready to burst at the smallest invitation, hated if people around me were having some fun or simply moving on in life. Idleness and boredom filled my days as a dull routine set in my life. Getting up in the morning, with a heavy head and sleepy eyes, changing my baby's diapers, feeding him and putting him back to sleep. Then the bathing and feeding and playing on and on just kept going and for all those who think playing witha child is fun...it is also tiring. I was tired beyond belief and had nothing to write or wish for.
My son is six months old and I can't thank god enough for him. And yet I was upset. Because this wasn't me and I was not ready to accept the change. I needed guidance and support which was just not there and then I dreamt about my mother, waltzing through life, handling work and home and three kids, keeping herself up and ready for all the challenges life could throw at her and did she succeed? Oh yes she did. Then why was I such a failure? I always thought that I was the best of the lot, the only child she was so confident about. She trusted me to face every challenge and even if I lost...she would know that I tried. And today I decided to give myself another try. Hence the blog. Enough with the negativity in my life. I really am the only person who can help myself. And I would try.

On this mother's day, its a thought...from one mother to another...if anybody can do it...it's you. Happy Mother's Day.

2010-04-15T20:08:00.003+05:30

Kanika Khurana is dead. She died today...the girl who was...is dead. Instead of her there is a female who loathes the way she looks, hates the way she dresses and talks...can not even write well. There is absolutely nothing left in her any more. She is dead. Her eyes have no dreams any more, her heart has no desire...

I killed her.

A mother!

Clocking one Year and rearing for more...

2010-01-17T11:11:00.002+05:30

Well that's right. I would be completing one year of marriage as the month ends and what do I have to say about this year long journey...boy was it tough!
To be honest there were times when I cursed the day I decided to marry. Not that I don' love my husband any more or he doesn't do that either...its just we were so much the better when we were only in love with each other. The expectations were low, the love was uncomplicated and the only two people who truly mattered were him and me. So of course it was shear bliss. Come marriage and things began to complicate. What with relations and the have to's of the world and society. Also the fact that both of us hail from two totally different sectors of the society with cultural gorges in between, didn't help. The end result was that we were angry from each other, fighting on issues that could have been avoided and simply sleeping with headaches...if you know what I mean!
Add to that the joy of being parents was also witnessed by us which was adulterated by the very worry of managing it. Our son...the essence of both of our lives was in front of us and two people who love each other so much were fighting the urge to run away. (At least I was!) And then I saw the silver lining. The fact that no matter how bad the fight was, both of us always wanted to end it asap. The fact that my heart still flutters in my chest everytime I see him. The fact that he still has the twinkle in his eye whenever I am loking pretty, the fact that we were happy when the other was happy...all these came rushing back. Happy memories the year gone by, the days and nights spent cuddled up, the sweet smile, the happy face and the lovable care...that is what also made my year. So why was it only bad? It wasn't.
And then we got our Artham...my little bundle of joy...that small little smile, the twinkling black eyes, the naughty crooked eyebrows...our son.

So what do I have to say about the first year of marriage...I lived every moment of it.

No pain...no gain...now I know what they mean

2009-11-07T17:40:00.002+05:30

Well...it happened. On 30th morning the doctor decided that it was time that I park myself in the hospital. The baby would be out anytime late that night or early 31st morning. So, there I was, suffering from all the anticipation and anxiety of the event about to happen. Well wishers were informed and they settled outside the room, waiting for the miracle of miracles to happen and late evening the fated labour pains started. Mild contractions turning into spasms of unexpressive pain went soaring through my body as I waited impatiently for them to increase so that I would finally see my baby.
Ever heard of the adage whatever goes around comes around? well I was in for a shock. When my mother was expecting me she went through horrid labour pains with no result. I had been a spoilt brat and had turned my head and the doctors had to at the last minute do a C-section and pry me out. That is what happened with me as well and I got a taste of my own medicine. After almost twelve hours of unbearable pain...the baby decided he wanted to stay a little longer and turned his head. End result...a C-section. And after crying and howling and cursing anybody and everybody who came in front of me, begging for some mercy and the pains to stop...I was told I would be operated upon. The relief was heartfelt...to know that the pains would finally stop. But at the same time I don't remember really feeling it. The pain sent rude shocks through my body as my mind started getting oblivious of the situation, of people around me. And then I walked into the OT, too drained to scream out as the body went through successive contractions again. And then I was lying down on the operating table. People wearing masks and blue overalls started entering and I heard voices telling me what they were doing. At 2:15 the anaesthetic placed the mask on my nose and all I heard was "You are going to feel a bit sleepy." And that was that...I don't recall anything except my husband uttering the words..."the baby is fair and is 3.7 kgs!"

Have I forgotten the pain? Not really...I still get goosebumps thinking about it. Do I regret it...No...I still feel awesome about it. I look at the small bundle cradled in my arms and wonder at the miracle life is...at the awesome treasure god has given me. Do I blame anyone? No...I only have everybody to thank...God for my baby is healthy and so am I...Prashant for he gave me such a gift...didi for standing by my side through it all and being the mother she has always been...bhabhi and alka masi for bearing with me and holding my handing as i screamed in pain...

And what do I have to say about it...I am a proud mother...go on and Congratulate me for I am finally a mother...

Yes...Its a BOY.

The Final Countdown

2009-10-26T09:37:00.002+05:30

The clock has started ticking and I have started counting down the days to the big day...the only thing is that with every day that goes by I feel the wait getting longer and longer and the days stretching beyond comfort. The weird thing about childbirth is, it is unique and nobody can predict the exact time when the child decides that it is time to get going!!! Nobody even knows what triggers the phenomenon. And here I am being forced to try out all the nuances of old wives' tales...drinking warm milk, walking, eating dry fruits, nuts and what not to somehow make the baby go...I wish it was as simple as telling the baby...alright, time to move your ass...!

Strange game this final intezaar. With every spasm of pain you look expectantly at the watch...and then when it does not reoccur...well it does not and instead of being relaxed you feel the old desperation seep in. And if the baby's little pranks are not enough your mind starts playing with you. By now I have thought of all the worst case scenarios when I would be in labor and stuck in jam, all alone...totally ignorant of it etc etc. In short, it has stretched to the point where I am plain bored of the wait...of looking for signs of labor...of trying to discern a simple muscular spasm and the supposedly excruciating contractions! When I asked my sister she smiled and asked me have I shouted out in pain yet and I repied ruefully that I haven't yet. And with the knowing gleam of been there, done that she smiled at me and she said...'You would scream. And when you do...everyone would know!"

So here's to the last week of this fascinating first voyage into the realms of motherhood...and no matter what I say...I am still counting...tick tok tick tok....

9 Things I hate about these 9 months

2009-10-10T23:43:00.002+05:30

Oh I am not saying that it is a bad experience. I totally agree with all who told me that pregnancy is a magical experience...its unique and significant and definitely cute and sweet. What with the subtle kicks and the unexpected tumbling and not to mention the heart beating in your belly!!!! The first glimpse of your baby on the ultrasound screen's monitor....to see tiny hands flexing, small feet kicking in all glory...and a steadily beating heart...the sound of which makes warm tears gush in your eyes and leave you smiling with a starnge satisfaction. Everything is blissful and sweet and nice and miraculous.
But there is another side to it as well and I am going to shed some light on the 9 things I hate about these 9 months!!!

1. Morning Sickness:
Imagine waking up only to rush to the loo to have your innards spill out. And if only it would end at that!!! Surprise surprise...it is not only the mornings that you feel sick in. It can happen anytime of the day or if you are too lucky...throughout the day! Add dizziness, hating the very smell of food and a constant urge to puke to make it just amazingly wonderful.

2. Loo breaks...
We are talking about taking a leak break almost every two hours. Think it is funny? Try doing that especially in the middle of the night when you desperately want to sleep but you are obliged to drag yourself to the loo to take a leak for the nth time already!

3. Cotton thy best friend:
Okay this is probaby not a universal pregnancy thing but I am not talking about all the pregnant females am I? I am referring to my own experience and the fact that after marriage I was soon wearing plain airy cottons because my skin became ultra sensitive to anything other than the material left me feeling rather sullen and irritated at times. Not to mention I hardly got to wear all those beautiful dresses I had gotten stitched!!!

4. Swollen feet and hands:
Not that they look ugly or anything...they ache! Big time! All you want to do is have someone rub them for you and that does not happen now does it?

5. 5,6 DON'T Pick up Stcks:
If you love your back, don't even think about bending...not to mention the unimaginable pain in your diaphragm if you do bend more than absolutely necessary...Nobody truly likes bending as such but I am talking about not able to do it...

6. A starnger in the mirror:
My husband says I look cute...he even finds me desirable and that is honestly sweet of him. God knows how I would bear it had it not been for the lovable glances he showers over me whenever he looks at me. Yet I hardly recognize the person I see in the mirror. Maybe because I am hardly dressing up...the overgrown belly and the general fatigue which comes with the 9th month makes you want to just put your feet up and to hell with the world. And add to that the drab cotton suits that are more like a bag than a dress!!!

7. Twinkle twinkle little stars...sometimes I see you and sometimes...
Weird weird sleep patterns. The onset of pregnancy I was sleeping and sleeping and sleeping...now...if only I could sleep that well. Even if you do manage to finally find a way in which you can sleep without getting all cramped in your body, you hardly sleep that well. End result...technically you are sleeping for ten hours a day...technically...

8. My high heels!
I loved...I mean love beautiful sandals...high heels and gorgeous looking chapals...it's been 8 months since I wore anything above an inch tall! Don't even remember the feeling of wearing them...not to mention I am scared If I would be able to walk in them after the baby arrives!!!!

9. Intiha ho gayi....intezaar ki
What I hate the most is the wait. My doctor says that the baby can come anytime now. And what am I supposed to do? Nothing I can. I am waiting for the pains to start...talk about being scared and nervous to death about something and praying for it to happen at the earliest at the same time!!!!

Strange really....so many things I hate about these 9 months...yet...I would not want it any other way!

Redeemed

2009-09-03T21:22:00.003+05:30

My husband used to brag about all these movies he has seen...and one of his all time favourites has been a movie named...'The Shawshank Redemption'. Whenever he used to talk about movies...it was next to impossible that this name would not be brought up. So on his birthday, I decided to gift the very movie to him. Thanks to the age of VCD's and DVD's, finding it wasn't really tough and we came back home with one copy and I settled to drag myself to watch the movie.
Now I have to confess something, I have a bias. Any movie that goes on to win an Oscar...I tend to find it a drag. It is indeed very very rare that I find a movie with loads of Academy Awards up its sleeve even worth a watch. And the said movie has 9...no less! So I was definitely sceptical. And then I saw the movie.

I was hooked...the movie catches your attention from the word go...And I sat, watching the movie with animated interest. The way the characters unfold...the way you look at the cynicism that breads behind bars and the way it slowly gets on to the human spirit...the very essence of human spirit...the necessity to hold on to hope and how if one truly wants to...he can, even in the face of the worst situations.
The story of one man who holds on to hope...and even when i knew the story...watching it was a treat.
Few things touch one's heart...something about the movie touched mine too. A simple sentence...'Brooks was here...and so was Red.'

Watch it to understand what I mean...and those who have seen it and can't truly recall...i am sure you woudn't mind watching it again.

And P.S. Sometimes...just sometimes the spouse is right as well...no harm in admitting it...eh?

What's in a name....or the first letter of a name!

2009-08-10T19:11:00.002+05:30

Subhadip....imagine me searching things that start with K! I mean its easy for you....maximum words start with the letter S. Anyhow...it's worth a try I guess..

1. What is your name: Kanika
2. A four Letter Word: Karma
3. A boy's Name: Kaustav (My nephew...)
4. A girl's Name: Kamakshi ( Am stuck to the name I have no idea why!)
5. An occupation: Kite Maker
6. A colour: Kesariya
7. Something you wear: Kimono
8. A food: Kababs (hi hi :) )
9. Something found in the bathroom: Kohler (Build a house around it!)
10. A place: Kerela
11. A reason for being late: Knee Jerking traffic ;)
12. Something you shout: Kidding!!!!!
13. A movie title: Kabhi Kabhi.........
(this is easy...could I give seven eight more?)
14. Something you drink: Kavah (Kashmiri tea!)
15. A musical group: Kings of Leon
16. An animal: Kiwi
17. A street name: Kautilya Marg (near India Gate)
18. A type of car: Kia ( A south Korean Car...so says wikipedia!)
19. Something scary: King Kong (ha ha ha)
20. Ice cream flavor: Kesar Pista

I tag no one...K for KIND!

Is it marriage or am I plain lazy?

2009-08-02T18:36:00.002+05:30

For a while now I have noticed that my tempers have left me completely, logic tends to hide away and general humour and politeness have abandoned all hope of ever reconciling with Kanika again. I actually pity my husband for he is going through the worst phase of his life...a monster of a wife and as much as I abhor these changes, all I am doing is sit and gossip about it.

He assures me it is not all that bad!!!! (What a darling...all husbands lie to their wives!) But I know it is. For I am sick and tired of sitting around and brooding about my condition. Not to mention....I would be doing that for I have no idea how many months. And as easily as I can put the blame on my husband for my condition...I would not. For it is my responsibility as well. Why should boys be blamed for everything? (My heart really goes out to all the men going through the woes of matrimony etc!) Getting back.......I was talking about this horrendous creature I have turned into.........didn't realize that I paid so much attention to my own freedom to actually get so bogged down!
What with the baby and all........Oh I guess I did not mention the best part.......Very soon Prashant and I would be blessed by an angel...and that little bundle, tumbling away in all his/her sleep has been a reason for my so called trip to monsterland! You can't honestly blame the woman you know....For years I have done what I wanted to do......and now I have people telling me what all I should and should not be doing.
Ofcourse, they all mean well..........yet it gets on to you! Whoever said pregnancy was a joyous moment of a woman's life surely did not suffer from any morning sickness, mood swings, cramped legs and a general feeling of living in someone else's body.

Imagine a mother to be and already cribbing.......of course I am happy. It is to a certain extent an awesome feeling........the responsibility bogs you down.......it's a life...a steadily beating heart...its a big deal. And when you start getting used to the kicks and all...kinda cute! To acknowledge that someone is safely hidden in the depths of your womb, growing with every passing second...that unimaginable feeling of miracle in the making...one can not truly express!

The thing is, for the first time a woman starts to understand her power...the immense power to create, grow, sustain and protect life itself! And that feeling...that only you can do that makes you feel truly special. And you realize why God gave you this special gift...man would not do too good at it...for with this power, a woman feels the utter vulnerability of her situation and that keeps her humble...a man...he would have been so confused! But that's God's way. He gave both their own strengths and weaknesses...and puts all of us through various trials and tribulations to make our lives worthwhile.

This post was just a self expression...few thoughts...am feeling so much better now!

The first Ever...

2009-04-17T08:43:00.003+05:30

People say life changes after wedding...I agree. They often say people change...that the man is not the same after he ties the knot and I agree totally. For my man is not the same either...I never heard him tell me how much he loved me in such delicate terms as he constantly does now...We hardly ever fight...and its all because he chooses not to get angry even when I can't avoid it! Men change after marriage for sure...and I can't even complain!

But what good is married life if the wife has no complaints? Imagine Ekta Kapoor dying of a heart attack...

We can't let that happen now can we? To be honest it is not possible for a woman to be content with her situation after marriage...she lives alone with her husband...she misses the care of in laws...she lives with in laws...she craves freedom...she has all the jewelery...she craves roses and dark chocolates...(and more jewelery).

I had my complaints too...and it was very soon after we came back home and settled comfortably to a routine of work and leisure. Every evening I saw my dear husband come back from work and comfortably lounge in front of the T.V! Imagine my agony! What was I expecting? I don't know but I saw reason...how very sad but I did. He, accustomed to living with men would hardly have any other source of entertainment or want of a conversation! Women can't live without talking...Men thrive in the circumstance!

We still manage to watch T.V without I getting all upset about it. I guess it does him well that I am not too fond of the idiot box. And I would like to pass on the wisdom that helped me from creating a mountain out of a molehill...It was what Prashant said and continues to say whenever I get all angry..."If you don't like a thing...be vocal about it and direct. For the other person might feel bad but if he is sane...would see your side and try to avoid repeating the instance.! Marriage is not about trying to please your spouse...its about understanding the other!"

THE WEDDING...31st Jan 2009

2009-04-06T10:15:00.000+05:30

If a few months ago I thought getting married was fun...I was wrong. If a few months ago I thought weddings are beautiful...I was wrong. If a few months ago...That ain't important. I would try and narrate my wedding. Every woman, atleast once in her lifetime looks at a wedding, the flowers and the lights, the beautifully clad women and handsomely dressed men and the extensive festivities and wonder..."My wedding would be so very beautiful!" And then she gets married!!!

Please don't be alarmed...my wedding was equally beautiful and well lit and cheerful and everyhing...the only thing is...I never noticed any of it. And it is not because my heart was thudding wildly in my chest and my eyes were all dreamy about the man standing next to me...my soul mate soon going to be my husband! It was plain and simple stage fright!

The day started off with all the joys and then it was a long trip to the parlour...getting dressed for your wedding is a long job!!! The excitement was there. After all that evening I would finally be married to the man I had loved for six long years! My wait was over and my dreams would come true. At that moment I hardly cared that my dress and jwellery had easily topped 10 kilos...the moment was simple bliss. And then it was the moment I would be face to face with him...walking flanked by my sister and bhabhi and all the cousins and loved ones, I tried to focus but the embarrassment was acute. Well...you are lookig pretty but when you see it in your man's eyes...trust me you can't avoid blushing. And then I was near the stage and he came forward and held out his hand and wow it was just amazing. So romantic...so utterly beautiful...what was I to do but not feel the butterflies erupt in my stomach. And then I was on the stage and turned to look at the mass of people gathered...and there goes the wedding! My age long stage fright kicked me hard in my gut and every pleasure left my heart.

That's right...don't ask me anything else about the wedding! I mean just imagine people you have never set your eyes on are gawking at you, assessing you and commenting about you...the photographer is constantly clicking away the camera, not giving you any moment's worth of rest...the chattering and the endless list of relatives. All of a sudden you are a bhabhi, a chachi, a mami and god knows what all...and to think that everyone is expecting you would remember there face when yu can hardly see! And not to mention the agonizing pain in your cheeks beause you have been constantly smiling for hours now...the excruciating pain in your limbs that has finaly started to acknowledge the add on weight of your dress...Whoever said weddings are beautiful never got married!!!

Inspite of the terror ride...its strange how you think about the day and your heart fills with a mystical happiness...how you look back at all the weird and crazy happenings of the day...for instance the time the light bulb exploded and burnt a hole in my dress and set my groom on fire!!!...and can't help but smile. It's strange that you can not remember a time when you wanted to be somewhere else and yet fel your heart start to murmur a long lost hindi song all mush and everything...

It's strange that I believe that getting married is no fun...yet...I say it with a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eyes...

2009-04-02T12:40:00.002+05:30

I am a strange person...am I not? I go on and announce that I am cming back to bloggerdom and bang do a vanishing act again. Honestly...I had gotten into these really bad lazy modes and even sitting in front of a computer was such a drag!!! I never realized getting married would bring out the worst in me. I would share this comment a friend once made...a very dear friend of mine told me, "Kanika, the day you fall in love you would not be able to write!" He believed that and today...after six years he thinks that he has proved his point. That friend is now my husband and what to say...I would not wish to believe that could happen to me. I can still write...but one thing I have to give to him...I don't know what to write about. The other day I was inspired about writing this blog about the Story After the Ever After! I mean...you know take up the challenge of taking up where most of the people love to leave their stories at...As to what happens to Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth once they move over to Pemberly....What happens to Raj and Simran after he pulls her on board that train? In short...What happens when two people totally in love with each other get married!!!!

I can write about that now....seeing that I belong to that category now...that's right...I would fashion myself a new blog...See you there!!!!

2009-03-04T09:48:00.002+05:30

Once a blogger....always a blogger.

I am back and am not able to understand where to start from.

Maybe it would be something closer to home this time....

See you soon....

LOG OUT

2008-11-08T09:36:00.003+05:30

A few months ago I announced a new blog and today I am happy to announce I am throwing it in the trash!!!!!

Surprised?

Well Coffee Chronicles was started for a very special reason...it was a bunch of memories...a whole lot of bitter experiences and a wide range of emotions...both happy and sad moments...and I am so happy to say that they mean nothing anymore.

Sometimes it is essential to let go off your past, trash the memories that made you laugh and cry...

It is essential so that we can have a new beginning....More of less like cleaning your hard disk so as to store more data...

The Coffee is finished...the morning has arrived...I am ready to lay my headset and call it a day...Call Centre would sleep and I shall walk out into the bright sunlight...

No more stories and no more thoughts...I call it Curtains and bow out in grace.

And I only pray that whoever stood by me and appreciated my stories read my name again...on a hardbound....

With this wish I say adieu my friend...Thank You.

CHECK IT OUT...

2008-09-29T14:49:00.000+05:30

http://brewitstrong.blogspot.com/

Perfect life...

2008-06-20T22:14:00.000+05:30

How do you write a perfect story? What is it that one sould keep in mind while writing a story that would catch people's attention? There has to be something special, something unique about the central character. Something that eithr shocks or srprises the reader or maybe gains the reader's empathy! A certain amount of twists and turns, a few revolutionary idea or maybe a certain complicated love angle. That is perhaps why Deepanshu's life holds no lure to the sect of famous storytellers.

There was nothing that would make a person frown or laugh or for that matter cry. A very normalguy with a very ordinary life. Born into a comfortable home, Deepanshu had everything. A doting mother and a caring father; an elder brother who was easily his best friend as well and a younger sister who was just too sweet and afectionate. He went to a regular school and was through and through an above average student. Teacher's seldom found any fault in him. If they did complain then it was his below average score in Geography but then that is again normal. He scored well enough to get admission in his choice of subject and after completing his graduation went to another institute for his post graduation. That is where he met Priyanka and it was love at first sight.
Regardless of the fact that Priyanka belonged to another cast, the families had no objection to the match. He joined the family business after his marriage that provided the bread and butter to the family. Life came a full circle for him when his son joines his business and his daughter went on to become an architect. When Deepanshu died at the age of 80, it can be safely said that he died an old and happy man.

Sadly nobody wanted to write a story about Deepanshu for there was just nothing in his life worth mentioning. Deepanshu's life was magical...some would say almost like a fairytale with a happily ever after...

Ironical ain't it? Nobody wants to write about his life for it was PERFECT!

Infidelity...

2008-06-11T17:05:00.002+05:30

She looked at the endless horizon, her heart amiss, mind battling with the knowledge, trying to decide what she wished and what she wanted to do. The sun would set in another half hour and she would be on her way back home. It was not difficult. She could easily go to his place...or she could simply forget about it all and go back home. Nobody would ask her anything...but what was it that she wanted to do? Sighing she stared on, trying to clear her head with the memories of last night. It had been amazing...he had been amazing. She still remembered the look in his eyes when she was leaving him, the gentle imploring eyes, asking her to stay, to be with him. But...Ashu...

She was done thinking. It was time to act and she purposefully put the car in gear and was on her way. Was it right? She cared not anymore. She wanted to be with him...but she was committed to Ashu...
Her mind battled on with the thought and before she knew she had stopped the car. Looking at the door she pondered again...the feeling crossed her heart then. That utter softness, the helplessness she had felt. It had been such a long time she had felt goosebumps. And he had been responsible for that one. She sighed and stepped out of the car. Everyone deserves one stupidity in life...one impulsive decision. Taking in a deep breath she walked purposefully towards the door and stopped thinking.

He sat right next to her, his head peacefully resting on her lap while she played with his hair. It had been simply wonderful so far yet she felt guilt swathing her heart. Ashu...Would he...her mind cleared as he moved a little and snuggled his head deeper into her lap lovingly . Ashu was out of town...smiling she looked at her lap and wondered at the shining black sheen of hair. She would worry about Ashu when he came back ten days later...right now she had something really important to think about. Smiling she clasped his face in between both her hands and looked into his eyes, fighting to stay close...
"What should I call you?"
He yelped as she picked him up in one swift motion and relaxed again when she put him down back on her lap.

Breaking the barrier!

2008-05-27T21:26:00.002+05:30

She stood at the edge of the pool, her face a mosaic of fear and astonishment. The water seemed to ripple gently in the breeze, calling out to her inner most spirit to try and dive into the comforts of its depths and her mind racing to overcome the fear. The cold embrace of the water and the fear of no air...she did not know how to swim...how could she dive...
"Go on," the voice came from behind and she looked back at her mother, sitting impatiently at the chair by the poolside, the irritation at her hesitations too obvious on the beautiful face.
"You would not drown..."
"Wait up...I would jump." she said and raised one foot off the ground, deciding to take the leap. And then she kept it firmly back on the edge...sure the floor looked close enough but the markings said 17 ft...that was almost thrice her height. Gravity would simply pull her down...and she...
All thoughts left her mind as panic coursed through her spine. It was a firm push, a hand she was well aware of...and she was falling. There was no time to scream as water engulfed her and she was sinking. Deeper and deeper she fell and her feet touched the floor. Her face tilted to look out, to assess how far she was from air...from life and without realizing when her feet pushed her off the floor and she was rising through the cool cushion, her hands outstretched...ready to pierce the fine layer that lay between her and air...

The air rushed into her lungs as her mouth opened wide with first contact of air. Without knowing how, she was paddling with all her might and her hands closed around the edge of the pool, holding on to ground with all its might. Looking around she saw her mother, still standing from where she had pushed her and laughing at her. All fear seemed to leave her as a smile lighted her face.
"Liked it?"
"Don't push me like that!"

This memory just keeps coming back to me a lot. I learnt how to swim...to my trainer's delight in 3 days! It's been a while i have not been able t plunge into a pool and am aching for that comfort. Why am I reliving this moment off late so much? For this is something that goes on to define my mum...her spirit and her role and making me what I am. For a while now I am trying hard to surface...and recently I felt the layer of water breaking over my head and the fresh air filling my lungs with a new vigour...it was like my life was suspended for a while and I am just realizing after a long long time that I am still alive.

I apologise for the absence...and wish to thank a certain someone who reminded me that I need to push...Life is looking promising again...lets see where it takes me this time....

2008-01-01T21:45:00.001+05:30

http://thetwinwand.blogspot.com

For all book lovers!

Happy New Year 2008...Its already a promising start

2007-12-27T23:44:00.000+05:30

I so wish I had stuff to write about, things to talk about or perhaps a new story to share. I have nothing right now. For reasons unknown to me yet. My words have deserted me again and though the heart feels the loss, it knows that it is momentary. The times are changing and you can feel a certain sprig of hope in the cold air that presses against you...there is a certain new sun all ready to bounce up from the horizon and shine. But it would take a while. This post is primarily for Sinjini...I would take a while dear...there are things I need to take care of...

I can't put a time frame to it...it could be a day or another month or two for when the words come knocking back I know not. Till then You keep writing.

Here's wishing everyone a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008. Hope your words, (or colors) never leave you. And If they do be patient...They will find you back!

Life in a Metro

2007-10-23T20:48:00.000+05:30

Deepali looked around and felt the silence getting louder by the second. People just sat there, lost in their own worlds. The boy on the far corner was swaying slightly to his own music, the woman sitting not that far away from him seemed to be checking and rechecking her bags, the man who preferred to stand in spite of the fact that there were enough seats to sit on, perhaps enjoying the steady rhythm of life as the metro raced on the tracks, the city blurring as it went. An year ago she would have probably enjoyed looking at all these facets of life as people hurried in and out of the car, trying to reach someplace and more importantly trying to run away from somewhere. She knew it to be true…knew why people seemed always in a hurry…Prateek had once mentioned it to her.

“They are not running to…they are running from…”

And he had been right. The man who preferred to stand was running away from the stillness in his life, the woman from thinking about more pressing issues, the boy from the very presence of people around him. And she…today she wondered what she was running from. And she knew…after a long time she was not running from…she was running to. Shards of voices kept intruding her thoughts.

“What is wrong with you?” the voice of a concerned friend or a man who loved her beyond measure?

“I wish I knew…but…” her own feeble voice as she tried to steady herself, but the nausea was ever increasing.

“Visit a doctor Deepali…you don’t look that great!”

Metro seemed to be slowing down with the rally of her thoughts now. A kind soft voice floated in…a voice that had somehow sounded rude at that instance. Rude…yes…how easy it had been for her…

“Deepali…you’ve got a tumor…a growth of sorts…”

“Excuse me?”

The woman had sighed and forwarded a series of reports towards her.

“It’s not growing…but the increasing amount of nausea suggests that it is unstable and could burst open or perhaps press against an all important nerve and cripple you for life…”

The metro jerked to a halt as people poured out. The voice vanished and she stared at the door that closed against the world again, imprisoning her to those thoughts that somehow seemed to mock her, shake the threads of her very soul.

“We can’t operate on it…”

“There are no guarantees Deepali…I can’t promise the chemo would help…the headaches are increasing?”

“How long before?” her voice shook and heart thudded wildly in her chest.

“Maybe 2 months…6…an year, 2 years. We can’t truly pinpoint…”

The metro raced through the city and her eyes could see the drifting roads as they crossed beneath. Lines of cars stood waiting patiently or perhaps not so patiently.

The man’s face loomed in her past; the lines of evident misery creased the forehead.

“Surely…something can be done…you can’t just…its…”

“Yes Prateek something can be done…something I wish to do before I…” her voice seemed to thicken in her throat and the man looked at her, his eyes dark pools of misery.

“You are not…”

“Before I die. I wish to be your wife…”

Prateek looked at her with anguish written all over his face.

“You love me so much?”

She laughed a hollow sound that echoed in her brain.

“No you dimwit. I hate you and wish to see you all miserable…”

Tears flowed then and she felt him walk up to her and press her face against his heart. It was after a while she realized he was crying too…

“I won’t let you die…I can’t.” Empty promises, her heart whispered and whimpered in fresh agony as a new wave of nausea hit her insides, sending shudders down her spine.

Deepali stood up, her feet light as she exited the compartment. It was not her destination still and she walked away to the platform, and waited. The car moved and she stared and heard the slow rumble as it drifted away from her. Life was all about moving from one to another, shifting tracks.

“What is it Deepali?” Prateek’s voice held the irritation and despair of a man who was fighting…against time and will.

“I am pregnant.” She sighed and a smile lighted his face.

“That’s great…”

His eyes seemed to register the tears that had welled up in hers.

“Would I be able to live long enough to…”

Her eyes focused back to the car that moved on to the platform now and she followed the small group of people inside, felt the door slide shut behind her. She was on her way back home…

“Deepali…I can’t explain. This is perhaps why we still believe in miracles.” The rude voice had transformed…the car was alive again; voices from corners seemed to invade her privacy as her heart felt the jolt. She could still feel the way Prateek’s hand had tightened over her arm.

She smiled a benign smile.

“Your child seems to be doing what we were not able to do. Your tumor is receding. We can’t explain why. The miracle of child birth is still a miracle…We know that child birth prevents a woman’s body from various forms of cancers…as to how precisely we know not.”

“What are you trying to say doctor?” she had cut her short, too scared to hope.

“I am saying that you have all the reasons to smile Deepali. The last five months have sent the oncologists on a spree…I have never felt this excited in my entire career…Your tumor is as good as gone…it seemed to have shrunk as your baby grew in your womb…First time a child practically gave birth to her mother…”

“Her?”

Tears seemed to have struck the dam of lashes as her vision blurred again.

“She is a healthy baby. But remember Deepali…Any renewed symptoms should be immediately brought to our notice…and regular check ups.”

The car sped down the track, bringing her ever so close to her destination. Her head seemed to swing back and forth with the momentous rhythm of the metro car. Three years of blissful marriage…Mannat’s second birthday…and the unsettling nausea had come calling again.

“I am coming with you…”

“No…please Prateek. Its Mannat’s big day…I would take the metro. Seriously…”

Her heart glided back to the present as she distinctly felt her own fingernails dug into her flesh, the paper still clutched in her hands. The nausea was calling again…the head lightheaded, heart peaceful. She was not running from anything anymore…she was running back home.

The station seemed to arrive before she could wipe her tears away. He stood there, his eyes seeking her face for answers and he seemed to clutch Mannat closer than ever to his heart. She simply handed him the paper and held on to Mannat. Tears welled up inside his eyes and he let them fall.

The train was leaving the station, inching away to help people reach where they wished to go. Deepali walked out of the station and heard the metro leaving the platform in a gush. A journey of hardly 30 minutes and she had lived a lifetime…

A broken voice seemed to glide in…

“Deepali…there is absolutely nothing.”

“But the nausea doctor…”

She had smiled then and looked at the woman, her eyes warming instantly.

“It is precisely just that…nausea…your urine sample confirmed…hope it’s a boy this time…”

Authors note:

It is purely fiction and though medically not impossible...never heard of at least. I wish to thank Deepak with all my heart...his post just inspired this small story. Hope I lived up to your expectations!

Nocturnal

2007-10-08T23:49:00.000+05:30

"The winds are changing..." Deepanita sighed, her voice barely a whisper and audible only to Karan who sat next to her, blissfully lost in his own reverie. She looked at him from the corner of her eye and smiled at the way his muscles stretched across his jaw whenever he took a deep drag of his cigarette. He felt her stare at him and on a delayed note seemed to hear what she had uttered for he smiled back and quirked a lazy eyebrow.
"Getting philosophical...are we?"
"Nah...just trying to get poetic and a bit romantic."
He stretched his leg over the stairs in front and leaned back, supporting his elbows on the step above to straighten out his back a bit.
"So...tell me something...why do you think I should believe you when you say that you love me?"
She looked at his stretched form and felt a certain playfulness stealing over her.
"Oh please don't believe me for a single moment for I would tell you very honestly Karan...I do not love you at all."
"That...my love...I am aware of."
Deepanita smiled and looked at her watch, a frown creased her forehead.
"My cab would be arriving shortly."
"It's only for a month you know..." he said, understanding the frown and she nodded.
"But this sucks Karan. Imagine the utter helplessness of the situation...the only place I can truly meet my husband is when he is getting ready to start his shift and I have ended mine!"
"Deepa..."
"Oh I know...its a job and we both knew what it meant and all that jazz. It just feels awful that's all."
Karan nodded and moved his hand over his wife's shoulder, reassuringly.
"Once I get the promotion, then maybe you would not need to stay in this job you know..."
"And then do what? Sit around and marinate in the house?" Deepanita was suddenly angry and she knew she was being difficult at this time But she hated going back to an empty house. She had been the one to agree to marriage so soon, had said they would adjust. But...she wanted a normal life, a life where you got up with the sun and cuddle up in a warm bed at night, think about a family...but she was stuck...stuck in a life that meant no sunshine. She could get a day job...Karan had told her he was completely ok with it but that would mean never truly meeting him for his shifts were mostly during the night. Call Centers at least gave her the priveledge to be with him for a longer duration of time. Except for the month like this one.
"Deepa...I am not changing my job. I like it here and we are earning way better than most people who work the conventional 9 to 5. And Besides..."
My cab's here." Deepanita said moodily and got up. She heard Karan sigh and stand up behind her but made no attempt to follow her to the cab. He could not pacify her and knew her too well to know she would come to terms with it. some times, he thought ruefully, he really did wonder wasn't there a real difference in this life and the life people usually led? He kept telling people that there was no difference as such...just the times they acknowledged. And time was different for different. He saw her getting in the cab and leaving and stared at the sky, a deep shade of indigo, a lazy cloud hugged the moon around the edge. He like it like this...he liked the quiet murmur of life rather than the loud horns. So what if people referred to him as nocturnal...he liked it like this. And Deepanita would understand, he thought and smiled as he picked out another cigarette from his pack.

2007-09-17T22:23:00.001+05:30

If I were.......

Deepti Tagged me and well.......here I am...

If I were a beginning,I would be: Death
If I were a month, I would be: December...
If I were a day of the week, I would be: Monday
If I were a time of day,I would be: 4:00 a.m
If I were a planet, I would be: Earth....(Filled with Life)
If I were a season, I would be: WInters
If I were a sea animal, I would be: Coral (Life starts with the end)
If I were a direction, I would be: The direction that takes you home
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: A rocking Chair
If I were a sin, I would be: Love
If I were a liquid, I would be: Rain Drops
If I were a fraud/scare, I would be: A Nobody?
If I were a gem, I would be: Saphire....(The stone filled with water.......)
If I were a tree, I would be: Neem...(Healing)
If I were a tool, I would be: A pulley
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: Mogra

If I were a kind of weather, I would be: Pleasant
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: Flute
If I were an animal, I would be: Eagle
If I were an emotion, I would be: Love
If I were a vegetable, I would be: Potato
If I were a sound, I would be: a baby's chuckle
If I were an element, I would be: water
If I were a car, I would be: Black Mercedes E 230
If I were a song, I would be: Woh bhooli dastaan
If I were a food, I would be: Ice Cream
If I were a place, I would be: India
If I were a material, I would be: Silk
If I were a taste, I would be: Sour
If I were a scent, I would be: Mogra
If I were a religion, I would be: Humanity
If I were a sentence, I would be: Keep The Faith.
If I were a body part, I would be: Fingers
If I were a facial expression, I would be: Dreamy

If I were a subject in college, I would be: English
If I were a shape, I would be: Random
If I were a quantity, I would be: Kilo?
If I were a color, I would be: Black
If I were a thing, I would be: Any Thing
If I were a landmass, I would be: Mountain
If I were a book, I would be: I havent decided the name yet...but I am the book!
If I were a monument, I would be: The Vatican
If I were an artist, I would be: Shahrukh Khan
If I were a collection of poems, I would be: POETIC
If I were a landscape, I would be: a beach
If I were a watch, I would be: ticking away forever
If I were God, I would be: Immortal
If I were a vowel, I would be: A
If I were a consonant, I would be: K
If I were a formula, I would be: E=mc^2
If I were a Science, I would be: Logical
If I were a theory, I would be: Survival of the fittest
If I were a famous person, I would be: Kanika Khurana
If I were an electronic equipment, I would be: Tape Recorder
If I were sport, I would be: Chess
If I were a movie, I would be: How to make an American Quilt
If I were a cartoon, I would be: Genie
If I were an explorer, I would be: on my own but never alone
If I were a scientist, I would be: Eccentric
If I were a relation, I would be: Friendship
If I were a river, I would be: Perennial
If I were intoxication, I would be: High of life
If I were alone, I would be: Dreaming
If I were a question, then I would be: Why?
If I were a hobby, I would be: Writing
If I were a habit, I would be: Happy
If I were in an atom, I would be: Hydrogen
If I were an end, I would be: Life
If I were you, I would be: Shocked!!!!!!

Half Empty or Half Full?

2007-09-14T19:58:00.000+05:30

I don't know how to start writing this particular post. I don't even know why I am writing this...maybe because the only thing I can really do is write.

5 years ago on 2nd September my dad passed away...and I had only one fear...God...please don't take my mum...

10th September 2007 she breathed her last...............

I have no fears no more.

Is my life half empty now or is it half full?

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA...You are missed. (14th Sept. 2007)

3 Bags Full!!!

2007-07-13T17:15:00.000+05:30

Deepti has tagged me. Its really a simple tag and yet the most difficult in its own right. I mean with the heart wishing to see the whole world...to list 3 places where I would want to go is like...hey...

But as I started writing I remembered the nursery rhyme...and decided I would state the three places that match the distribution of the 3 bags of wool!!!

One for the master!

Unlike the poem, I would not like to visit a place for the king but I would like to refer it to my head. The master of the body.

And my head craves Paris. To study the art that is bestowed on the city! Maybe I would hate it but I wish to walk through the Louvre at my own pace, go through the movement called the Renaissance and wonder what inspired men?

One for the dame!

Initial reference for the church is modified by me to refer to the heart...a place where God resides (as told to me and now believed by me as well)

There are many beautiful places and sites yet to be explored by me but my heart has stayed at a small hill station in North India. Mussourie...a hill station of no real consequence but for me its a place that inspires me endlessly. A place where words simply flow on the paper...a place where I can simply sit for hours and listen to the wind whisper a sweet lullaby in my ears!

One for the little boy who lives down the lane!

The farmer who does all the work...the body who follows where the master leads...and this is a place where the body aches to be...

In the comforts of my room! My bed and my people around. The only place where my body craves for is HOME!!!!

I know this is not what the tag was about Deepti but you know me...I like to customize.

I would love to tag all and ask them to answer this simple question...

Have you any wool?

CHOCOLATE LOVE STORY (concluding part)

2007-06-26T10:45:00.000+05:30

(My heartfelt apologies for the delay...hope this makes up for it!)

It was happening, Dewang thought as he cut through the cake. She was right beside him, singing a birthday song for him. It did not matter that it wasn’t his birthday…it was too early for that. But somehow, the fact that she was around lifted his spirits. He felt as if it was his birthday. Like an excited child. A coy look towards Parvez and Mohit got wide smiles. And he blushed! It was a beautiful feeling and if only…if only he could spend some time with her. His wishes were granted as Parvez jumped in to the rescue.

“Hey…what time do you get free in the evening?”

She looked surprised and shared a glance with the other girl who was standing around the table as well.

“Uh…”

“We are traveling and well…its his birthday after all. Why don’t you two join us for dinner?”

Mohit seemed to take cue form Parvez then and started talking with her as well.

“If you two can’t then we understand. But it would be nice if you could…”

She looked at Dewang then and he smiled. He should have said something, invited her or said thanks or something…but he had lost his voice. Yet he knew he wanted her to say yes…and she smiled at him then.

“We would be free by six…”

“Great. We can pick you girls up from here at around same time?” Mohit said and the other girl smiled.

“Sounds like fun.”

Dewang gave her a polite smile and looked away as the two walked back towards the waiting customers.

“Oh, Dewang you owe me 500…” It was Parvez again and Dewang looked around sharply at his friend.

“Huh?”

“It’s your birthday pal…you pay the bill!”

Dewang laughed and as his friends joined in he felt butterflies jump around in his stomach. His eyes darted towards the clock on the opposite wall and then back towards her, busy behind the counter. It was hardly 12…he thought and sipped moodily on his hot chocolate. Still 6 more hours to go. But then, they could keep sitting here till it poured. But he knew it way too well…it won’t last too long. And he was right. Before he knew the cake had been devoured, coffees gulped down and the clock barely showed 1. The clouds parted and people started to appear on the streets again.

“Would you guys like something else?” it was the other girl who walked up to them. There was no place in their tummies and though Dewang would gladly keep eating or drinking coffee if only to keep watching her, but he knew he could not do that. Not only would it look rude, he worried eating too much could give out a bad impression. He noticed her giving him sideways glance as she crossed thieve table, but then he might have been imagining things.

“Nah, thanks. We guys need to go now…its stopped raining and well…loads to see.” Mohit said and Parvez stood up as well. Dewang kept sitting at his place, feeling glued to his chair.

“If you could…give us the cheque.” Parvez said and the girl nodded and left, smiling as she crossed the other girl. Dewang just wished she would bring the bill across and she didn’t. Why? Had he done something wrong? Had he offended her? She must have noticed him checking her out every time she crossed his path, looking out for her? Shaking his head he stared at the bill, emptied his purse and stood up. One last look showed her back as she entered the kitchen and doubt crept up again.

“Then, we would see you girls at 6?” Parvez asked as they started walking towards the door. The girl nodded and walked away.

“Move now brother. Can’t do much here…” Parvez said and Dewang nodded.

He checked the watch once they left and felt his heart whimper…more than 4 hours more!

Back in the small hotel room, his friends left him to his present state and decided to take a stroll on the mall road. He could have accompanied, but then he could not possibly wander away. His mind was too preoccupied. He just wished for the needles to turn so that it was six. He felt impatience grip his heart and then he was thinking how he would start a conversation. It was not helping him, just being too quiet.

And then his mind was racing, of possibilities of starting a conversation. And then he was rehearsing. This continued and when his friends returned, he was already ready. Mohit joked when he looked at the time but Parvez just gave him a smile but said nothing. Finally it was six. The sun had set beyond the peaks as the three guys walked towards the coffee shop. There was no point taking the bike. It was better if they just walked. Because of the simple reason that two bikes couldn’t accommodate 5 people.

“Try and speak Dewang,” Parvez suggested as they entered the mall road.

“Ofcourse he would speak. You just leave him alone ok. And besides I don’t blame him. She is indeed very cute.”

“Agreed.”

“Do you think we guys should go to that club?” Dewang asked and Mohit shook his head.

“We are tourists remember? How would we know of any good place? Let the girls decide. In that manner, they would be more comfortable.”

Parvez nodded and then the conversation drifted towards football. And Dewang was grateful for that. Thinking too much would probably ruin the whole thing. And more importantly, there were still important things that could be talked about. And any deviation was welcome. And before Dewang knew, he was enjoying himself again. There was probably something about just the game. But he knew it meant the world to him, his dream to meet the legends. There was a Bayern Munich match to discuss and Dewang was waiting for their next. And he knew the next month was busy. Finally the boys had reached the mall and could see the lamppost glowing right outside the café. Dewang could feel butterflies in his stomach as he realized the door was opening. Maybe he imagines, but a whiff of rich aroma seemed to float to him and he wondered whether he would be able to finally say all the things he had rehearsed in the afternoon. And then they were saying their hellos. A smile had lighted when he saw her face, glowing by the lamplight, her hair tied in a neat ponytail. She was dressed casually in a t and jeans and then something happened. His smile simply died away. How could she? He wondered but there was nothing more to think about. Parvez and Mohit were their usual self, nice and cheerful. But Dewang had lost all inclination to talk. He ached to get back to his room. They were guided to a small joint that served Tibetan food. He noticed how she was smiling at him, how Parvez ensured she sat next to him but there was absolutely nothing he could talk about. Though he had spoken in monosyllables in the afternoon as well, there had always been a smile. But now, his tone was cold, formal and totally devoid of any emotions his heart had experienced in the morning. And finally it had all come to an end. They parted ways, she wished him happy birthday again and got a curt nod in reply. She stood on her dorrstep and Dewang was acutely aware of her eyes following him. He should have turned and smiled at her. But there was absolutely no point nor any inclination. He walked in silence, feeling moody. And his friends kept mum, respecting his decision, though completely baffled by his sudden jump to the cold self. But they knew that now was not the right time. And then they were finally back to their room. Mohit kept looking at Dewang as he changed and slouched on the bed, his face all relaxed again.

“Dewang…I don’t understand? Whatever happened?”

Dewang stared at his friend and then at Parvez who had also stopped on his way to the loo, a towel in hand. They were curious and he could not blame them. Afterall, they had gone through all this for him…

“Well…” Dewang cleared his throat and then he said it.

“She was wearing a Werder Bremen T-shirt. You saw it!” he said and there was a complete silence. Mohit frowned and then he looked at Parvez. Within seconds there was a burst of laughter as the two friends started laughing.

“Beer?” Mohit called as he managed to drag himself to the small fridge. The TV was being switched on.

“Beer sounds good!” Dewang smiled and settled on the bed, his legs flung across. He thought again of the chocolate cake, the warm café and her radiant smile. But some crimes had no excuses…

CHOCOLATE LOVE STORY (Part I)

2007-06-04T09:58:00.000+05:30

“Paradise!” Mohit exclaimed and stared at his friends, totally uninterested in the view. Parvez was busy talking on his mobile and Mohit could only guess with whom. He would never change, he shook his head and his eyes traveled on to look at Dewang, lying on his bike, his face covered with the cap, legs crossed. He could not really decide who was worse off. Where Parvez was a complete flirt, Dewang was totally disinterested. He could not remember the last time Dewang had looked at a woman, leave alone talk with one in a manner that was even semi-formal!

“Dewang!” he shouted and got a sideways glance, as he removed his cap to look at his friend.

“”What?”

“Come on man…How you can waste your time in sleeping!”

There was no reply, just a small smile, a quirked eyebrow and a hand movement that readjusted the cap. Mohit gave up and looked at the lush green peaks, sighing as clouds floated across. If only he was artistic enough, he would have written a poem. But he had his limitations. There was nothing he could truly do about it other than admire. His mind rushed back to the sky, darkening by the minute.

“It’s going to rain,” it was Dewang’s voice and Mohit turned to look at his friend, standing right behind him.

“I can see that.” He said and Dewang looked across at Parvez.

“So who is it this time?”

“How would I know? If only there was just one!”

Dewang smiled and went on to sit on his bike. His eyes stayed on the tree at the edge of the cliff for a moment before he whistled and gave a kick to his bike.

“Hey Romeo…let’s leave before we get drenched.”

Parvez seemed to listen then and hurried to park himself behind Dewang. Mohit was already on his bike, waiting for them to push off. It took them 15 minutes to drive back to the small market in the centre of the mountain town but it was too late. The clouds had rushed in on them and the friends decided to take shelter.

The bell chimed in an ancient cling as Dewang pushed open the door to step in, standing just inside as his friends followed. And within seconds he knew he was hungry. The scent of freshly baked cookies seemed to enthrall his senses. Smiling he looked at Parvez who was already trying to find his phone that was ringing again. Mohit was staring animatedly outside the glass windows as the busy street emptied and rain fell like pellets on the road. An old English establishment in the hills of Eastern India, how could he not feel amused? But the sight was not new for Dewang. He had been born and brought up in this part of the country. He knew the blue hills, the dark sky and the white waterfalls like abc. It was home for him and there was nothing to see or admire. And then he knew he could never have been more wrong. She was walking towards them, like an angel in white and green stripes! The small skirt seemed to follow the rhythm of her legs as her small feet guided her on the wooden floor. Small feet, snug in canvas shoes, socks rolled down. Everything was just perfect…starting from the dark black hair, the piercing black eyes and the rosy cheeks. And his eyes stayed on the smile, perfection in itself. Small and friendly. She crossed him and his eyes closed as a whiff of chocolate reached his nostrils. His eyes followed her as she placed the steaming mug of hot chocolate on the table. The old man smiled at her and she replied with an equally radiant smile. She turned and her eyes met his’, unabashedly staring at her.

“Table for three?” she asked and he nodded, too smitten to talk. A small wistful smile lighted her features as she showed them an empty table by the window. Mohit was talking again, sighing as he looked at the rain outside.

“Wow!” was all that escaped his lips as he continued to stare outside the window. The hills were now covered by the clouds. But all that was lost to Dewang’s eyes. They followed her around as she rushed form one table to another, smiling at everyone in turn. She looked at him and he knew he should have looked away. But try as he might he couldn’t.

“So beautiful!” Mohit sighed again.

“Very.” Dewang finally said and his friend turned, amused that Dewang finally had something to say about the place. And then he realized that was not the case. Dewang’s eyes were stuck on a very different vision.

“Ahem?” he cleared his throat and Dewang looked at him with surprise. He never realized Mohit was looking at him. By this moment, even Parvez was interested, his phone finally stashed away.

“What?” Dewang asked and Mohit smiled.

“She is pretty.” He said and Dewang smiled. There was a certain boyish charm about that smile. And he felt it too. Strangely he never realized how it happened but his heart seemed to float like the clouds.

“Go talk to her.” Parvez said and Dewang shook his head.

“Don’t be silly. We leave tomorrow…”

“So what?” Mohit asked and Dewang shook his head as his heart whispered that it was worth it.

“Come on man….how long has it been really?” Parvez asked and Dewang frowned.

“Well…so what do you propose I do?” he asked, a bit flustered. It seemed like he was back in school, his friends prodding him to go and talk to a certain girl he had a crush on. And strangely it was a nice feeling. He was ready to be prodded, coaxed and motivated to do the unthinkable. And suddenly he could not believe that the man who earned his bread and butter due to his communication abilities was not able to think of an opening line to start a conversation! The man who told people how to talk was almost scared to go up to a woman and ask her about her name! A girl was the right word, he corrected himself and his eyes darted towards her again. And his heart jumped to his mouth when he realized she was walking towards there table, her pen and writing pad in hand.

“Would you like to order?” she asked and he felt her voice glide like a sweet melody from his ears to his heart.

“Uh…”

“In fact we would. What do you suggest?” Parvez was talking and Dewang was thankful.

“Well…the weather is just perfect for some nice hot chocolate and I would recommend out cream rolls to go with it. And if your taste runs towards something salty…”

“Cream rolls sound great. And yes…could I talk with you?” he said as he left the seat and guided her away from the table. Dewang stared on as Parvez spoke with her. He could not make out a single word that left his mouth and then he was conscious for the girl was looking at him and gave the sweetest of the smiles. She turned then and walked away and Parvez walked back, a naughty glint in his eyes.

“What did you do?”

“Relax pal. Consider it done!”

Mohit smiled his approval and Dewang stared from one to another.

“Guys…”

“Don’t worry a jot. Everything is taken care of by master Parvez…you are in good hands my friend!”

“If you mean your hands…pal trust me I would have been safer hanging off a cliff!”

Mohit chuckled and Parvez laughed.

“Well…you have no choice. Either trust me or keep hanging!”

Dewang felt butterflies in his stomach and his eyes glinted with amusement at his own reaction. He could not remember the last time he felt such apprehension yet he had to admit he was loving this feeling. His eyes searched for her but she had retreated to the kitchen and a while later he felt a strange disappointment. Another woman was carrying a tray towards their table and he looked on at Parvez, smiling gaily back at him. She placed the mugs on the table and a basket of cream rolls, smiled down at the three of them with a large radiant smile towards Dewang and went back.

“What was that?” he asked and Parvez grinned.

“Nothing. Just relax and enjoy. These smell great.” He was already mouthing a scrumptious looking roll and Mohit followed suit. Dewang’s appetite was all lost. But he forced some hot chocolate down his throat even as his eyes kept searching for her. And then he saw her, walking towards him with a smile as radiant as ever, carrying what looked like a birthday cake. And he could not help staring at her. And he only wished to look on. She was standing in front of him then, her smile mesmerizing him.

“Happy Birthday!” she said and Dewang smiled.

A Dash of Color...

2007-05-19T12:59:00.000+05:30

He stared at the mountains stretched out at his feet, mighty peaks looking subdued in the pale moonlight. Everything was just a strange shade of grey. The world of no colors, he thought and settled on the boulder, his eyes drinking in the silence as light frisked from one peak to another. Two lovers dancing around. The clouds tantalizing his senses, he closed his eyes and felt the cool comfort. Like a child in his mother's womb...a blissful feeling of contentment and security seemed to envelop him. He looked again and felt memories rushing in from all corners. Sweet memories laced with just a bit of sadness. Droplets of good old memories that seemed to trickle down to his lashes as a wet smile hovered on his lips. Life, he thought...life was good!

It was a gentle murmur of wind that woke him. Groping for his pack of cigarettes he fumble out of the tent. there was a light chill in the air and he soon realised why! The world had come to life. Clouds danced around the peaks, gliding like a young girl, playful and tantalizing. The sky seemed to peak from behind the white cover, a glorious blue as serene and subtle as mother's smile. Green peaks sprinkled with brown corners. Leaves fluttering as clouds gently touched them...The warm sun seemed to smile down, as clouds rendered a constant view of shade and light. Hope seemed to fill his heart. If the night had made him think of a mother's womb, the day prodded him on like a reassuring father. As eyes sparkled with hope and heart filled with joy he knew...Life is good!!!

(Going through Deepak's snaps is always a treat. For they seem to transport me from my seat to all these beautiful locales and imagination springs up. And when I saw these two snaps I could only wonder...How a Dash of color changes life....)

Thanks to Deepak!!!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

2007-05-16T16:40:00.000+05:30

Deepanita struggled with the yawn, trying hard to keep her eyes open. But it was a futile attempt. Right after the weekoffs it was the same thing. No matter how hard you tried, the darn eyes refused to stay open. And the it did not matter whether you were talking on the phone or not...sleep would somehow take over. Finally the old lady hung up and she threw the headphones on the table. All she wanted was to take a nap...a small cat nap that should fix her up.
"Wake up girl!" Nimesh shook her slightly and she opened her eyes to notice the red light go up. Hastily she replaced the head phones and was speaking again, the same line time and again. To her relief it was merely a transfer call and she hastened to oblige. If this continued she would get a bad C-Sat cause the chances were any minute now she would doze off.
"Sleepy?" Nimesh asked and she turned to look at her Team Leader sitting on her left, staring at her. He was a sweet guy, she thought looking with amusement as she noticed how he managed to fit into a chair, all cross legged.
"Very..." she said and he smiled.
"Go get coffee..." he said and she shook her head.
"Nahin yaar...it won't help."
"It would...come on now...u have a half hour log out left...haven't you?"
"Yes...should I take a break now? I still have 15 minutes to that..."
"Do it before the damn thing rings again..."
That was enough. Deepanita rushed through the series of numbers on her Avaya and stood up. Nimesh was already standing, waiting patiently for her. But not much patience was required. It hardly took her a minute to lock her computer and log off from the Avaya, gather her purse and stand. He was amused how quickly the person could log out. Beginning of the shift was the biggest ordeal for Nimesh. He had to keep calling people to log in...but give them an opportunity to log off...hardly a minute...But he was not going to say anything about it...after all....he had been there...done that!

They walked to the terrace, the cups in hand. It was a warm night and the transition from the centrally air conditioned office was strangely refreshing. The light breeze seemed to comfort the mind and feel fresh against the chilled skin.
"Hows life?" Nimesh asked and Deepanita shrugged.
"Its the same. The same old Avaya and the same old customers..."
"And the same sleep...Still sleepy?" he asked and Deepanita nodded. Her head felt heavy and eyelashes were being forced to stay apart.
"How come you are always so fresh?" she asked and waited while he lighted his cigarette.
"Habit I guess."
"Its a bad habit. One should not get used to staying up all night!" Deepanita joked and was rewarded a smile.
"Right. But we all must do so...it really does not matter Deepanita. All you need to understand is that we are operating in a no sun land!"
Deepanita sipped on her coffee and waited for her brain to formulate a reply. But all she could really think of was a bed. That was all she really needed...a nice warm bed. If only...
"Drink up." he said and she dutifully placed the cup back to her lips. It was not a nice coffee...truly speaking it was horrible. Yet it seemed to bring a certain relief. She waited for Nimesh to start talking again but he kept mum. There was nothing to say. This was just the time to sip and relax. Coffee finished they walked back inside. She looked at the watch to realize the 30 minutes were all but over. Sleep was calling on to her again as the work floor loomed in front. Yet the floor was all ablaze, instead of the constant murmur, there was a loud banter and it did not take her more than a while to realize that it was an outage. People standing on their workstations, chatting loudly, a distant Avaya ringing, a little silence and then chatter again.
"How long?" Nimesh asked and Adi gave him a wide smile.
"6 hours at least..."
"Great." Nimesh said and Deepanita noticed a certain disappointment in his voice. Amused she walked to her chair and stared at the blank monitor screen, blinking helplessly back at her. 6 hours...another five hours for her shift and this was...it was just perfect. Slumping on her chair she closed her eyes...This would do was the thought that crossed her mind minutes before all sleep left her.

Tete a Tete

2007-05-04T18:53:00.000+05:30

It's been a while now that I had a small chit chat with any of us. Talking in stories can get really confusing now...hence this small little post. The past month was an ordeal for Call Center Diaries...the pages paled and withered in the storm and it meant a distorted story and well loads of confusion. And then there came an outage...a moment in time when the brain truly blanked out. Pre and Post that outage I had posted a small story: King of Spades. And a friend promptly pointed that it was way too confusing. And I endeavor to put out the thought in a simple manner...why write a story after all about something that can be discussed?

It goes without saying that all of us sooner or later come across situations in life that tend to shake the very ground we walk upon. Sometimes our beliefs are shattered, our faith questioned and hope destroyed. And during those specs of life we are left thinking and pondering about the magnitude of the problem, the endless maze of unanswered questions. It happened with me recently. I was completely oblivious of the storm that stood by my doorstep and got drastically drenched. But I had to keep walking. As I tried to find my way across I happened to learn a card game. A card game my dad used to be an Ace of and I had never truly cared to learn. But soon I started liking the game for its simplicity. The game of cards counts the points only for the Spades suit and the King of Spades hold the maximum points...13 while the Aces in the game hold a point each. During one game while I sat engrossed in my worries...about life and how to win the game I realized I had all the big cards...but what was the point? I was loosing all of them for I did not have the smaller cards in my hand. And I just ventured...It is the not big cards that can make you win a game...its the smaller cards.

And the thought stayed. The fact that if I was to use a metaphor and associate a deck of cards with life...then what I needed to do was try and win the game. And I had to concentrate on the seemingly smaller cards! In other words...I had to think about the things that look like a small problem and usually left unattended. These small problems usually hold the key to the larger problems. With this thought also came the thought that like the problems...it is also true for happiness. A thing often repeated by many is that happiness comes in small packages. We all go about our life, trying to attain that elusive happiness by means of big things...yet in the end the true happiness comes with the smallest of the things. A small smile, a hug and a pat on the back. Small moments held together makes our lives worth living. We seldom understand that and in the end have only regrets for we tend to let go of the smaller things in life in the thirst for something Big!

King of Spades is a character that is present in all of us. In varying amounts, yet very much present. the story was only a metaphor...it only went out to sell the idea that we might be unknowingly letting go of the only thing that truly makes us happy...

What say?

King of Spades II

2007-05-02T10:45:00.000+05:30

Alisha tried to keep her mind focussed on her drink, yet it was not a possibility. Her eyes strayed towards the couple and her heart let out a whimper everytime his hand went on to hold hers' across the table. What was it she was feeling? She wish she could put a name to the feeling. For it was not regret, neither jealousy and definitely not love. Just a searing pain she had long forgotten about. She stayed put, sipping on her drink and wishing for him to leave so she could leave too. And finally he did, holding the door for the woman before following her out. Heaving a sigh of relief she waited for another ten minutes and left. The mall was still crowded but the face was nowhere to be seen. She felt anger surge up...if he could simply walk around not even noticing she moved in the same place, then why should she be so very apprehensive about he spotting her. It would be good in case he did, would only be right if she ignored him too, just the way he had been too oblivious of her presence. Still deciding whether to take the elevators or the escalators she felt someone come and stand right beside her.
"Running away are we?" the voice was too close and too familiar. And he was there, his smile plastered on his face, brows quirked in plain mockery.
"Sidharth...I..."
"How are you Alisha?" he asked, looking in her eyes and holding them captive. And she knew she was mesmerized again.
"I am good."
"You look great..."
Anger mingled with confusion gripped her heart. She should have turned and walked away, perhaps smiled a polite apology and ran as far as she could. But she did nothing of the order...instead she felt her tongue stick to the top of her mouth as her lips dried instantaneously. He was removing the strand of hair from her face and she felt her knees melt under his touch.
"How about a cup of coffee? Would help to knock out the drinks you had..."
"How..."
"I don't have to look to know you are there Alisha. Coffee?" he asked again and then he was guiding the way to the escalators. She waited for a minute, glued to her spot, wondering how he presumed she would say yes. And the voice was prodding her...Wouldn't she? And she was following him again, drawn like a pin to the magnet.

"It's been a long time!" Sid was speaking, no strain in his voice, no visible regret or qualms. As comfortable as meeting a very old dear friend who had lost touch over time.
Alisha looked at the man in bewilderment. How could he do this? How could he act as if he had never done anything wrong to her? How could he sit in front of her and treat her as if she was a long lost friend? why was he not as flurried as she was? But then why would he be upset? He had never loved her...
"What are we doing here?" she asked and he frowned.
"Presently waiting for our coffee!"
"Sid...you know what I mean?"
"Oh come now Alisha...we have grown up...haven't we? Let's just enjoy our coffee...why do you want to beat yourself up for such a small thing?"
"It is not a small thing Sid. The way you used me..."
He waited for her to complete the sentence but she never did that. It was not what she wanted to say. Perhaps she would have liked slapping him, calling him names but then...something else resurfaced without a warning. Something she thought she never really had until Sid had walked into her life.
"Alright...let's talk. How have you been? Where have you been?"
He smiled and waited as their coffee was placed in front of them. Once they were alone again he looked at her, his smile subtle and warm.
"Have been where I was when you left me."
"Sid..."
"You did leave me Alisha...just left me..."
"You are blaming me?" the bitterness was back, pain increasing with every passing second.
"What was I supposed to do Sid? Watch as you pranced about with that woman trying to get her...I loved you!"
"You loved me?" he asked, the sarcasm cutting her like a knife.
"Yes. I did...not anymore Sid..."
He sipped on his coffee and waited for her to settle down.
"Why were you surprised? More importantly...I was always honest with you Alisha. You knew what I wanted out of life...knew how important that woman could have been...then why?"
"Sid you are a sleaze ball." She said and looked away.
"No Alisha. I was practical. I am practical. But I never lied to you when I said I love you...and you know that!"
"Love? You can not love anyone but yourself. I was important to you...but you never loved me."
Sidharth stared at her and she felt tremors of shock run through her.
"I did...I needed you by my side Alisha...I wanted you to stay by my side...but you left me. But I am not blaming you..."
She smirked and looked at him. She had never detested him more than this.
"Sid...you stood me up. We were planning to get married..."
"The time was not right. I needed to play it right..."
"Life, Sid, is not a game of cards. I hope you realize that some day." Alisha was calm now, completely at ease with the situation. Strangely it felt ok to say anything now. And she wanted to say whatever she never got a chance to.
"It is Alisha...I thought you understood that!"
"You and your stupid theories. So who is the new woman?" Alisha asked, wishing to find something to hate him more.
"Deepika."
"Your..."
He looked at her, his eyes trying to read the emotions on her face.
"To be wife..."
"Ah!" she said and sat back on her chair.
"How much is she worth?" she asked and he laughed.
"I really like her Alisha..."
"Cut the crap...how much?"
"Her dad owns the company I work in."
Alisha felt a strange contentment flow through her heart. It was not love...she was right all along...he was not capable of love.
"I miss you Alisha. I really do."
"Oh don't give me that Sid. Not again...I am happily married and sick and tired of stupid power games. And besides I can't give you anything more than I already did..."
Alisha looked at her watch and then again at him, his face masked.
"Thanks for the coffee Sid. And don't come after me...as you said...I am only the Ace...a card you can easily do without!"
With that she stood up and left as tears fell down her cheeks. He should never see them...for he would interpret them again as tears of lost love. But they were tears of betrayal her heart had to endure and finally it was over.

Sid lighted his cigarette as he looked at the woman walking away, her head held high. He had seen her at the shop, his eyes had followed her as she entered the pub and he had been acutely aware of her presence in the same room. Deepika had been too surprised at his obvious devotion to her. How was she to understand that it had meant nothing...he kept looking at the woman he had mercilessly thrown away, only too late to realize she meant everything to him. How wrong he was...running after bigger cards to win the game...How did he forget...It was not the big cards that won the game...It was the set of smaller cards...and he had thrown the most powerful of them all...His Ace of Spades...

Outage is over...back to work

2007-04-30T12:50:00.000+05:30

I guess the blog about call centres is not complete without an outage. In call centres...outage was a period when we had the loads of fun, for the systems were down, the calls stopped and well...it was simply party time. The same happened to the blog, the systems went out, the calls died away and I was left to my thoughts. It was important for it meant I resoned out the priorities in my life, understood the realities and assessed the situations. I so hope I can say that I am back...as a better person.

So here is to all who stood by me and hoped for me to answer the call again...with a smile no less. To all you beautiful people....THANK YOU FOR CALLING...This is Kanika...How may I please you today?

:)

2007-04-15T21:34:00.000+05:30

To all who are here on this blog I wish to forward a heart felt apology. The reasons are two...one, I would not be publishing the concluding part of King of Spades and second...I would not be blogging for a while. Please don't ask me why...or for how long I would be absent from my blog...

I do not wish to say that it is the end of Thank You for Calling...I don't know if it is or not. But till the time I answer the phone again, put up a smile and speak...here is to one and all...

Have a Good Day. Bye...

King of Spades

2007-03-30T12:43:00.000+05:30

He stared at her and smiled, his eyes warming up instantly as she gave a glorious warm hearted smile in return.
"What do you think?" she asked and he nodded.
"It's looking amazing!"
"You think so?" she asked again and looked at her reflection in the full length mirror. He moved behind her so that his eyes held hers captive.
"You are so beautiful," he said and she felt tears well up in her own eyes. She could not look anywhere else.
"You make me look beautiful."

The woman stood just round the next counter, a small amused smile on her face. She was aware of the slight pain in her chest as the green eyed monster started to roll its fangs again but she pulled on her sunglasses and looked away. She could not possibly do much about the situation. It was a done deal. She needed to let it all go and move forward in her life. It had been his choice. She had been a nobody...but important to win over. A mere card...and as he always said...It does not matter what cards are in your hands...what matters is the cards in the the opponents hands. And she had learned the game from the master. Had seen the way he would set his hand, would make sure he realized the opponent's weakness and then he would strike!
"Alisha...have you ever noticed the King of Spades?" he had asked her one day while they sat sipping on coffee in his bedroom, the cards spread out on the bed.
"Ofcourse I have. What's there to notice?"
"Notice girl...Only the King of Spades looks in the opposite direction...always!"
She stared on as he threw the four kings towards her. It was true she was not too much into cards...that it was only a game...yet she did play on a regular bases.
"King of Spades somehow generates Power. I don't know why he looks in the opposite direction but I presume that it teaches us that if you want power...look where no one else is looking!"
"But..."
"Scared Alisha?" he asked and she shook her head.
"Not scared Sid. Not scared at all."
He smiled and forwarded his hand and she held it without shame. Let him be the King of Spades...she thought.
Bringing herself back to the present she stared on at the two people completely lost in their own small world. He had not changed much when it came to looks. Standing at modest Indian height of 5'10" he was not a Greek god by any standards. Yet there was that coldness in his eyes that could warm you up! And while you basked in the glorious warmth he would sum you up, understand the importance and build his own hand. She had been the Ace...the all important power card for him. Long before she could dream about being the queen she was discarded. He reached his heights and she was left with a pack of cards. She walked around the counter, pointedly ignoring the man she could never truly ignore. Just a chance spotting him in the mall had made her chase him around. She was not prepared to face him. Not yet, she thought and walked out of the shop, her head starting to ache. Desperately she needed to get out of the situation. Desperately she wished to forget she had seen him. It hurt her, to see him nice and happy with another woman. Yes...he would be playing her around too. But what was it in his eyes she had seen? Was it genuine love? It couldn't possibly be that! He was not the kind of men who understood subtle emotions like love. For him it was always about power and money meant power. Once he had left her to explore the glorious heights of success it had been a hard road. It took her time to rebound but she eventually did. Now she had everything a woman could possibly ask for, a comfortable and respectable job in one of the best companies, a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. Yet today, when she saw him, she could not help the bitterness calling up on her again. Entering the darkened bar she felt a bit relaxed. Yes, she could use a drink before she met up with Shantanu.
Sipping on her vodka, she felt memories start to fade against the burning liquid. And then it was not meant to be. The door opened and the very man walked in, accompanied by the woman on his side. She prayed he would not see her yet wished he would. Strangely, her prayers were granted and he walked to the other corner, holding her hand firmly as he did. She looked on at the woman with a critical eye. She was not overtly beautiful for sure. A little plump definitely. And her hair were short, too short for his taste! Gulping down her vodka in one sure swig she removed a cigarette from her pack and lighted it. Her fingers shook slightly as her eyes strayed towards his hands, holding hers across the table. She loved Shantanu...then why was she feeling this way? He was a no one from her past...then why had she jumped when the shadow crossed her path unexpectedly?

To be contd....

Que Sera Sera...Whatever Will be Will be!

2007-03-20T18:06:00.000+05:30

"All in good time...All in good time!" he smiled and started walking away again, his face lighted with a benign smile.
"But..." She frowned and he turned to look at her again, his eyebrows quirked.
"But?"
"Well...seriously. Don't you think it is high time already? I mean...how long do I wait? I thought..."
"You thought what?" he asked, sitting on the white chair, his face glowing with amusement and compassion.
"Well don't ask me as if you don't know what I thought! You know everything...and you know what is going on in my mind...in my heart. I just want you to tell me..."
"Its true I know everything. But my child...I want you to tell me nonetheless. I like it when you say it..."
"I though you loved me!" she grumbled and he laughed.
"Well of course I love you. but that does not mean I tell you what would happen next. You have to...like every one else...wait for the right time..."
"But if only you told me then I would..."
"You would do what?" the laughter was replaced by a soft look of concern.
"I would give up hope..."
"Would that be nice? Would life be the same without hope?" he asked and she felt tears burning their way through her lashes.
"But God...why do you wish me to hold on to hope? Why not give up? It would be easier to give up and move on in life."
He looked at her, sitting listlessly on the stone, her face streaming with tears now.
"God...please. The pain...I can't handle it anymore..."
He smiled and shook his head.
"I know you can...I know..."
"How can you know....I..." she stopped and he smiled.
"As you said...I know everything. I do. You just remember...walk your own path...whatever will be...will be. You keep walking..."

Happy Endings!

2007-03-11T19:22:00.000+05:30

Sunidhi looked at the boy and girl sitting on the table opposite hers. There was a certain peace about the way the two were sitting, totally relaxed. There was no need to talk. Off and on they would say something and then a comfortable silence would follow as the two smoked away and sipped on their coffee. Picking up her own cup of coffee she felt memories of days gone by come back. It had been a very long time indeed she had thought about them. A smile lighted her face as she wondered there was a time she could not think of a day without him. And then life had decided somethings else for her...she knew she had to walk away...he knew she had to go and she had left him. She still remembered the day she had said Good Bye...

"Please...don't make it so hard for me!" Her voice was barely a whisper. He was holding her hand, had held it for the past hour and a half now.
"You do remember your promise don't you?" he asked, his voice strained, eyes red. He was in pain, she knew it.
"I do. And I would...before you die...trust me I would meet you once...I have to. Because I have to kill you, " she mocked and he smiled and tightened his grip on her hand.
"Why can't I keep you for myself?" he asked and she felt tears forming in her eyes.
"You can't and you won't. I have to go now," she said and tried to move her hand away. He looked into her eyes then and her heart seemed to whisper a silent prayer that things would somehow change...that she would somehow end up with him. She felt it squirming in her chest, begging that he would not let go of her hand, would hold on to it and tell her that he was not ready to give up on this relationship so soon...that he would find a way. He let go of her hand then and she moved away...she was strong enough to get up and leave but she knew she did not have the strength to say Good bye to the only man her heart had ever loved.

Sunidhi shook her head and looked across the table at the man. Her husband of past 17 years. Life had changed so much.
"What are you thinking?" he asked and she shrugged.
"Just days gone by. Sometimes I really wonder...what if I would not have married you? What if I would have married a guy who was totally different from you...say a complete opposite?"
"Well...either he would have killed himself or you would have killed him."
"And why is that?"
He looked at her, his eyes mocking her.
"Well...because you would have wished to be with me. So we would have run away and out of depression he would have killed himself or you would have simply done that to get rid of him."
She shook her head and kept the coffee cup away...
"And why do you think I would have wanted to be with you? I did not love you!"
"Oh I know you don't love me honey...it's just that you made a promise once...and that was that you would kill me!"
The wind started to glide around in happy circles. Sunidhi raised the cup in salute and sat back, a smile on her face. She had never said good bye...Some love stories, she thought, were not meant to reach a happy end...and some...like hers...somehow did!

Accomplished Woman!

2007-03-08T23:02:00.000+05:30

“Your list of the common extent of accomplishments,” said Darcy, "has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse or covering a screen. But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I cannot boast of knowing more than half-a-dozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished.”

“Nor I, I am sure,” said Miss Bingley.

“Then,” observed Elizabeth, “you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman.”

“Yes, I do comprehend a great deal in it.”

“Oh! certainly,” cried his faithful assistant, “no one can be really esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half-deserved.”

“All this she must possess,” added Darcy, “and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.”

“I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any.”

I cannot do any justice to women other than bring forward this small all time favorites. A conversation between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett...who does not know of these characters I ask. It brings about the character of two very different women, of a man's idea of a woman. Today as I sit and wish all women a Very Happy Women's day, I just wish to ask one question...

If Darcy's idea of an accomplished woman is considered...no doubt we would be able to point out so many of them...However...Can you truly think of one who is not accomplished?

In My Element!

2007-03-02T21:49:00.000+05:30

A very strange incident once made me wonder just how fascinated I am with the color that is actually not a color. Black...the color of the night...the color that brings to me the feeling of being home. Comfort is what the color inspires in me. And today with Holi just round the corner I shall talk about my color...my element...about Black!
I knew Black was always there but when my best friend started noticing that every birthday I wore nothing but black I knew it was something I was really partial to. And then my mum started complaining that I wore nothing but black. So much so was the love that when after two odd years i chanced to meet an old friend from Hughes he remembered that Black was my favorite color, promptly telling me that he never saw me in any other color! My MBA days were totally black...a friend once threatened me that if I wore black another day she would tear my suit or perhaps burn a hole in it! Yet off late I went away from Black. As I say...i got deviated and it was majorly because it is not appropriate to wear black to office and everything of the sort! My blacks were now limited to expensive suits meant to be worn on special occasions. My wardrobe which had at one point of time no other color than black went blue, mustard, green, purple, red and god knows what all. Slowly black retrieved into one corner and that was that! Two days ago I went back to my element. I was completely black and I knew...I was home. People perhaps wonder what is with this strange fascination with Black. And I try and explain to them what black means to me.

Black is everything in itself...a beginning and an end...black is life, black is love...many would frown at me associating black with love but somehow in their hearts they would agree...its that void that is complete, its that chaos that brings peace...its that state of confusion that brings contentment in its wake...its that color that makes everything equal...for when lights cease....everything is nothing but Black!

Black for me signifies the three most important words...Hope...of a bright morning after the dark night...
Faith...in that power which is as empty yet as whole as the color...
And Love...the essence of life...the darkest and most primitive emotion whose two extremes are Black! the emotion that negates light and make everyone equal...

Here is wishing everyone a Very Happy Holi...

One is the loneliest number....Nah!

2007-02-26T16:32:00.000+05:30

Woodie inspired me for this post and I have been itching to write about it since Valentine Blues and finally I shall try and list 20 reasons why Being Single is a GOOOD Thing! Here goes nothing

1. You don't wait for you phone to ring!
2. It's absolutely okay to check out people of the opposite sex!
3. You don't need to remember a zillion dates...birthdays, anniversaries (first month to first year god forbid!)
4. You can like as many men/women as you like without any guilt trips. Come one Come all!
5. If after a day's work you are tired, go right ahead and sleep...don't have to worry about calling someone up and talking!
6. You get to eat your ice cream in totality!
7 Chocolates can be devoured without worrying about not able to fit into the top he bought for you!
8 You can spend all your salary on yourself.
9. YOU CAN SULK AND CRIB WHEN YOU SEE A COUPLE HAND IN HAND AND RENDER A POETIC BEAUTY TO JEALOUSY.
10. Limited phone bills!
11. No one to frown at undone eyebrows! Or to shout about a clean shaved face! Be comfortable the way you want to be!
12. You get to improve your vocabulary...especially slangs and curses that happen with direct reference to point 9.
13. You can wear the color you like...no one to tell you...Don't Wear that color...I Hate it!
14. Can take words at their face value...no analyzing what is the real question or the motive behind the questions.
15. Nobody asks you how am I looking and no reason to think twice before answering!
16. For artists its a definite blessing...emotions are expressed in all their glory.
17. You don't have to worry about bad breath when you wake up in the morning.
18. Your bed is only yours and it does not matter which side you sleep on or which side you wake up.
19. You can sit for hours deciding what kind of a partner you seek in life...not that it would matter but at least it is better to think when you are alone rather than when you are with someone and can't do nothing about it .
FINALLY...
20. You are your own self...and your own best friend!

Good bye! (Concluding Part)

2007-02-22T21:27:00.000+05:30

(I apologize for the delay. But the circumstances were not in my hands.)

In the end it is always the same! Everyone finds what they were looking for. The reality of life is that few would know what they were looking for and appreciate it when they find it and few would keep looking even if they had it! That was perhaps true for Nisha. She knew what she wanted as long as she did not have it and when she did have it...She never knew what she truly wanted and kept looking. In the process she went farther than her destiny; till she reached the end of the road and for her there was no turning back. And she stopped looking...

Deepak looked at Nisha standing all by herself on the edge of the cliff. Their last night together, he thought and looked back at the people gathered around the fire, telling stories, laughing and enjoying the peace. Divya sat huddled next to him, her head resting on his shoulder and eyes sparkling. She was content sitting with everyone tonight and his eyes drifted back at the solitary figure, outlined by the moonlight. He could see the smoke curling away into the dark night and something in his heart turned. He would not see her again...Tomorrow when they all went back, she would go away forever. It had been a last trip. Nisha was flying to US of A two days later and from this place she would go and spend one last day with her aunt. It had all been planned as a farewell for Nisha and it was time to say bye. Pulling his hand away from Divya he attempted to stand. She frowned and then smiled as he kissed her gently on her forehead.
"Five minutes." He said and signaled towards Nisha. Divya nodded and straightened. She knew what Deepak was feeling or she thought she knew what he was feeling. Nisha was easily a cherished friend and she was going away forever. She was content sitting by the fire, her face glowing with happiness. Deepak had spent the entire day with her and that was all she had wanted. She was predisposed to happiness at the moment. And besides, the stories were very interesting.

"Hi..." he said softly and she turned, her face bathed in the moonlight.
"Hi." she replied and looked away at the vast emptiness. It was amazing standing there, just by herself.
"What are you thinking?" he asked. Shrugging she threw away the cigarette.
"Nothing really. Was enjoying the void."
"Ah..."
"What?" she turned to look at the smile mocking her. He shrugged and took out a cigarette and lighted it.
"Nothing. Nice statement...that's all!" There was that characteristic satire in his voice which she knew of.
"Well I really wasn't thinking anything!"
"Right..."
"Deepak!"
"Nisha!!!"
She looked away then and felt his eyes on her face, trying to read beneath the layers of her thoughts.
"It was a nice trip."
"Yes it was."
"Deepak...sometimes I wonder..." she did not finish the statement as her heart hastened to remind her that it was too late. Way too late for her to even start wondering. She had done enough of wondering, analysing and reanalyzing. No good had it done and no good would it do any further!
"What do you wonder Nisha?" he asked and she shook her head.
"It's not important."
"And why would you decide that?" his voice was impatient and iced with just a hint of anger. She looked into his eyes then and instantly he knew and she knew he knew!
"Nisha...say it!"
"Why should I say it? Would it change anything? Would it make any difference?"
"Yes it would. It would mean a lot to me." Deepak said and she knew he meant it.
"I never stopped Nisha. For there was nothing left to stop. Long before you said whatever you said...I had crossed that point of no return!"
"Deepak..."
"Say it once. I promise I would..."
"How's Divya?" she cut him mid sentence and his face changed. Face contorting he took a long drag from his cigarette.
"Do you like her?" he asked and she nodded.
"She is very pretty."
Nodding he puffed away on his cigarette.
"You love her Deepak. It's all there. We were always just good friends and we shall always be."
"What if it had been different?"
He was in pain and she could feel it in her heart. He did like Divya...almost loved her. But he searched for more...searched for someone else. She had long made her decision. There were things one had no control on and at this moment she felt helpless, bound by her own priorities.
"I will miss you!" she said and he nodded. Tears filled her eyes then and he walked closer.
"Will miss you too."
He hugged her then and she let the tears fall. Holding on to him she felt him kiss her gently on her neck and she did not resist. He was holding on to her and she knew she had hurt him, yet again. But it was for the best!

"Hey Nisha...how do you plan that we say good bye to you if you are not here?" Priyank shouted from the group and she turned to look at the people gathered around fire. For her. They walked back to the crowd and she gave them a watery smile.
"Don't cry yet..." Priyank joked and she held Deepak's hand tighter as tears started to fall without any prelude.
"Thanks guys. I would miss all of you..."
"Hey...Its only three years. We shall all be together once again!" Priyank said and they all were standing. Her eyes went from one face to another and she smiled. Letting go of Deepak's hand she went on to hug them one by one. That was the moment...

Deepak's hand was still arched, feeling the warmth of the fingers that had been there for a while. And then someone else was holding his hand and he turned to realize Divya, standing close to him. He clutched her tightly and then let it go. He turned and walked towards the room. There was nothing left now.

Nisha saw him walking away and closed her eyes. It was better this way...A dream is beautiful as long as it is a dream.

Divya looked at Deepak walking away and felt the pain start knocking at her heart strings again. She had wanted to tell Deepak and then he had told her about this trip. Tomorrow they would go back and...she shuddered at the thought. It would break him completely!
"I have decided Divya...and not one word from you...you are leaving that job. Its only a stupid call center. Your Australian Visa has arrived and you would go and pursue your studies. That's final. You crib or cry...your call!" her dad's voice sounded in her ears and she knew she would go. Yes she loved Deepak but she also knew her father! He would never understand and besides...Deepak had been the sweetest dream of her life. The fact remained that when the night ended people said Good bye. And these ten months in the call center had come to an end. It was time for to say Good bye.

The Sun Shines Supreme

2007-02-15T09:43:00.000+05:30

The worst part about sleeping under a starlit sky is you wake up to a a glaring sun! Deepak winced in his sleep and fumbled for a little cover to shade his eyes. Yet it was futile attempt. A shawl was no match to the morning sun. Moving restlessly on the quilt he finally gave up. A volley of colors greeted his eyes. A sight worthy of angels! The blue sky patched with white streaks, brown peaks smiling back at you, flowers swaying to the morning breeze! Yet it was all lost to the eyes that seeked a dark shelter, a warmer bed and loads of sleep. Looking at his watch he grimaced and shook his head. The shawl was discarded without a second thought as he stood up and walked back to his room. It was barely six thirty!

The room was still comfortably dark and his eyes took a little time to adjust to the shadows. They saw her then, sleeping all curled in one corner of the bed, arms flung over her head. Memories tried to come back but were soon shut out. Sitting beside Divya he gently removed the strands of hair that lay on her cheeks. She fidgeted in her sleep and opened the dreamy eyes. Her lips parted and before sound took shape of words he kissed her. There was nothing worth talking about. It was better this way and she too accepted. Talking was not important. The moment had passed and it was a new day...

Nisha turned restlessly on her bed. The sun rays had somehow managed to find space enough from the edges of the curtain and now danced to their own tune right on her face. Turning her face away she looked at the door, unlatched yet closed. She weirdly remembered the dream, and was acutely aware of the thoughts that danced in her head. It would not do, she told herself and sat up on the bed. Moments that pass never come back. Memories flooded her then. Memories of the days gone by. Of the nights like the last one when they all had sat together, when he had let his head rest on her lap carelessly. Vivid memories now haunted her mornings of the nights they had just sat together, talking endlessly about life and its nuiances, about love and its pain and about nothing at all. The comfortable silence of his company now pierced through the silence of her loneliness. It was all gone now and would not come back. She still remembered that kiss...a moment of passion that had killed it all. How could she back off then and now wish for it?
"We are friends Deepak. And that's all we shall ever be!" her voice mocked her and she walked towards the open window. She could see the shawl lying on the quilt but he was missing. Refusing to think where he must be she picked up her cigarette case and lighted one. Her eyes drifted towards the barren brown peaks smiling back at her. There was an unearthly beauty about them. The pain of lost love! Sitting on the edge of the window her eyes took in the canvass of her life stretched in front of her. Like her life, the peaks had seen better days, and now they both stared at greener pastures, pastures filled with promise. Like the peaks that now waited in shadows, she too waited for the sun to turn around and look at her once again, wished for the warmth of the bright sun when all she now had was the comfort of a cold moonlit night. How she had walked towards that night, almost as if searching for the same and how now she hoped she had basked in the sun while she had a chance to. Sitting on the chair she let her head fall back, not fighting the misery anymore. He was gone, for good or worse she would never know...but he was gone forever! And for some reason the dream became a regret before she even dreamt it.

(Concluding part on Tuesday, the 20th!)

Valentine Blues!

2007-02-13T23:31:00.000+05:30

Whoever thought Love was easy! You have it...Problem! You don't have it...Bigger Problem. With the advent of the month of February, something changes. All of a sudden flowers blossom, there is a general happiness about the air altogether and most importantly you see one too many hearts dangling off every possible hook! As they say...Love is in the Air! God honestly sometime they make it sound like a disease! Some kind of a microbe all ready to clutch you, hold your heart on ransom and give you pain to last for a lifetime! And strangely if you are seen lurking around any of these cool places without a proper partner, people look at you as if you are a busted heart shaped balloon with no takers! Thanks for that help nahin!

I am sounding like a totally disoriented female right now and its anybody's guess that yes there is a bit of bitterness in the heart. A small pang of jealousy does seem to surface whenever I see those lovely mushy coochie coo moments! Yet strangely there is a certain warmth. A warmth that I can feel in my heart, yet sadly lacking in the eyes of the love birds hidden behind a dozen and a half beautiful roses!

I woke up to a mystical morning. Sounds of rain mingled with chants of Om Jai Jagdish Hare reached my ears. Everything was just perfect, my first cup of morning tea, the cool breeze and my warm bed! What else could I ask for? A warm shower, warmer smile of two most adorable kids in the world and it was already a promisisng day! Add to that a drive through the rain, a steaming mug of coffee and good friends! What was missing in my life? Nothing...till I saw a red balloon...and then a second one, a third and fourth and...well you guessed it. I stopped counting! A strange thought nagged me yet again...For one day...why do people realize they love someone?

Now I am back on my bed. Its warm and comfortable. I am listening good music, can hear clouds rumbling up high in the sky, can feel the wind glide through the open window and envelope me. There is that comfort in the heart that everyone I truly love is sleeping peacefully in his/her respective bed, that he/she is warm and safe. My heart has known love and the pain. Perhaps I still don't have a VALENTINE...yet...Life is beautiful. Maybe next year I would have a valentine...maybe not...yet...I know I would never hope for one Valentine day...for it's all there really!

To all of you...A Very Happy Valentine's Day. And I would be posting the story in a couple of days...and oh yes...I could not resist giving a glimpse of my mornin world to all...A view from my balcony!

A moment too many

2007-02-08T15:55:00.000+05:30

Divya turned helplessly on the bed, feeling misery wash over her soul. There were things on her mind and more than that she had dreams in the sleepless eyes. Many times she had walked over to the window, frowning at the lonely figure sitting on the quilts that had been placed around the fire for their group. The fire had long died yet he stayed where he was, his figure highlighted by the pale moonlight. And everytime she looked at the empty bed her heart twisted within her. How she had dreamt of this night, the night they would be together, cherishing each other's company. Her eyes sought the shadows that had started to form shapes now. A glimmer of moonlight escaped the curtains and danced on the empty bed, reminding her of all the dreams she had brewed. Her eyes filled with tears and she hid her face in the pillow...it would not do! Somehow he would never understand! What was she to say to him? How was she to make him understand that she needed him, wanted him to be with her...just her! How she ached to have his arms about her only her heart knew. How she dreamt of a kiss! How she felt her skin tingle and how she wished him to look at her the way she had looked at him! Yet he would never do that! But that was not what was troubling her. It was the cold good night he had uttered! Without really saying anything they had had a fight...again. She knew he thought he was right but she wanted to tell him that even she was right! She had wanted to sit with him under the moon and talk. But she knew he would never understand!!!!

Deepak felt the wind gently whisper a gentle lullaby in his ears as he stretched on the quilt. It was a beautiful night really! The moon now high up in the sky glowed in all it's glory of lost love. He was not drunk...infact he was far from it. His eyelashes attempted to pull the curtain yet eyes wished to stare into the night. It was somehow comforting to do nothing, hear nothing and feel nothing.
"You haven't slept as yet?" the voice came from behind and he turned his head slightly before smiling.
"Apparently I haven't!"
Nisha nodded and sat on the mattress opposite to him, extracting the pack of cigarettes she offered one to him and lighted one for herself.
"I thought you had slept!" Deepak said and Nisha shook her head.
"I wasn't sleepy when I left. Just..."
"Just?"
"Leave it. It's not important. But what are you doing sitting here?"
"Trying to count the stars."
Her eyes sparkled under the moonlight as she looked at the sky.
"So how many so far?'
"Two..." he shrugged and looked back at the sky, noticing how the smoke twisted and curled in the still air before the night enveloped it.
"Nisha...could I ask you a question?'
"Sure." she said and looked at him as his face turned back to look into her eyes.
"What is it with..." he stopped and looked back towards the emptiness stretched out in front of his eyes.
"Why is a full moon romantic? What makes it so?"
Nisha knew that was not what he had wished to ask but she did not feel like probing. That was not what he wanted right now. She did not make any attempt to answer either for it had not been a question...just a thought. A passing moment of confusion that clouded his eyes.
"It's nothing but a small spec of light on a black canvas! A circle! A pale orb hanging from the sky, looking down at us! What is it about the full moon and..."
"Women?" she finally completed his sentence and he looked at her.
"Had a fight. did you?" she asked and he sighed.
"Not really no."
She offered no response and none was needed. The silence was comfortable.
"I bet she ain't sleeping either." She said after a couple of minutes and he looked at her.
"She would...eventually!"
"That is being heartless now."
"I don't care what it is." Deepak muttered and threw away the cigarette. The silence stretched between them for how long Nisha would never know. It was just alright to sit beside him. She knew instintively her presence was felt.
"I guess I would sleep now." Nisha said and stood up. Deepak made no attempt to move. His eyes closed he looked every bit adorable. Instinctively she pulled off her shawl and covered him. He opened his eyes once, looked at her face bent over him and then closed his eyes again.
"Good night Deepak." Nisha whispered and a steady breath told her he was asleep. Smiling she went back to her room. This moment she knew she would cherish forever!

To be contd.

Good Night!

2007-02-01T16:07:00.000+05:30

It was a scene right out of a romantic novel. There was everything that made the moment magical. A full moon, the wide expanse of a valley stretched in front, the faint fragnance of flowers in the mildly cold breeze that ruffled your senses as you sat witnessing nature at its best. Yet there was nothing romantic about the company! Divya looked around at the people huddled around the bon fire, all singing in the silent night with voice that could make the frogs shout out in protest. She smiled as her eyes found him, raising his glass in salute to something she was not aware of. Sighing she hoped he would look at her, notice how she had excused herself from the company of friends and wandered away to a solitary place. How she wished he would understand the subtle gestures she had dropped! Yet she knew him to ignore them. How she ached only she knew. He would know what she felt at the moment, would understand her whims yet ignore them like someone would ignore the whims of a child! Staring back at the valley she tried to ignore it. The moment would go waste, and she would waste away the moment waiting for someone she knew would not come!

"Hamein tumse Pyaar Kitna...." Priyank croaked and the furore started! Half dazed by the liquor everyone joined in. There was just something about the night that was magical! Flames blazing in the center, people cuddled up close, old hindi melodies resonating in the wind...Deepak looked over towards the edge. She was not a party to the celebrations. Gulping down the remnants of his glass he so wished she would hold this moment and make it memorable! Yet she always felt loneliness was romantic! How he wished she would realize that they would have lonely moments together...yet this moment, a moment of shear happiness, of nostalgia and most importantly a moment of togetherness was rare. They would not be able to be kids again, would not be able to enjoy youth the way they could at this very moment! How he knew of her signs he pointedly ignored! How he wondered if she could understand happiness the way he felt it!

The clouds danced on the indigo sky, romancing the moon. A moment the valley would drift into darkness and the flames burn up the night, for a moment the tempos would rise with those flames and then simmer down like a flickering candle. Laughter and friendship...

People started to drift to their rooms. Until the moment it was only Deepak and Divya, sitting as far as possible. She turned and saw him then, staring thoughtfully into the fire that had started to die.
"Everyone left?" she asked and he nodded, not looking at her. He knew she had walked nearer to him, was aware of her standing just behind him. Yet the moment had passed!
"Well I guess I would call it a night!"
"Yeah..."
"Uh...Good night then!" she said and he looked at her.
"Good night!"

To be contd.

2007-01-31T20:00:00.000+05:30

How many times have I wondered what love is! How many times have I found out! And how many times have I proven myself wrong?

A couple of days ago a friend of mine decided to enlighten me about the small facts of love! A whole lot of giving and caring and sharing! To be honest I was...well bored! And yes a bit angered by the usage of words trying to define a sublime feeling! And when I went on to say that love I have known...love I feel and that purest form of love is what I feel for my nephew she went on to correct me that it will not stand the test of time! That as and when I have "the" man in my life I shall change. I would want to do things for him! That I would forget about my nephew and though I would not love him any less my priorities would change!

I don't blame her and am not angry from her! She hardly knows me! An aquaintance of a month is no master of my feelings! And apparently with time I would change! When that man finally drops from the heavens I would know...I apologise...Sarcasm does not help here! It is a delicate matter and requires some serious thinking and milder tone!

To all the people who are reading this post I wish to ask, Can you define one moment when death stared you in the eye and you smiled and laughed? I can! Though it is a very personal moment I wish to share it with people today.

2nd September 2002, 6:30 am, on my way to the hospital where my dad was admitted.

A cloudy morning, just pale glimmer of sunlight over the horizon and a thought flashed across my mind. A thought I was scared the instant it happened. Looking at the purple sky I had whispered..."Today We shall take you home Papa!" and that instant I knew. I tried to disregard the thought and when we reached the hospital the worst was waiting for us! I don't have the courage to relive the moment again. And I don't wish to do that. But I wish to share what I did that day! I lost my father. The man who was more to me than any other man had ever been! The man who had woken me up every morning, who had taught me how to walk, how to behave, how to pray! The man who had waited in front of the examination halls to greet me with a smile, the man who rang the doorbell every evening at 6 and the man who would go to the hell to get a smile on my face! I lost him...forever! We took him back that day...gagged and bound in bandages! Even his face was covered in white muslin! And his lifeless body was placed on the floor as people gathered around him. My nephew was barely 2 years old and he doted on my dad. Sleeping peacefully in his room he was not aware of the tragedy. And he was not to know!

How could you make a two year old go through that! I went to his room then. I had to make sure he never left the room! And I laughed with him, smiled at his jokes. All the while when my dad stayed in his house, while his body still rested on the ground awaiting the last journey I stayed locked in that room making sure not a single tear escaped the eyes! I did it because I loved him...I love him!

My father left us never to come back! I realized how life was the biggest irony of death! And I realized love can not be defined! I love my father. I hate it when people sometimes correct me and say loved your father! I still love him. Then why did I not sit by his body for as long as I could? Did I love my nephew more? How could anybody who had been in your life for 2 years replace someone who had been for 20?
I did it because I knew I could not bring my father back! I knew I had responsibilities now! I knew I had to save the innocence from getting lost in tears!

The point of this tale. Love is not a limited quantity! We can love so many people! I love so many of them! But for me my neohew is not only my love...he is that love that showed me what life is all about! Just a hug from him can light up the darkest days! His smile can make me forget any pain or misery! He is that part of my soul who made me smile even when I was shattered!

In time things might change. I might become selfish! (More than I am right now!). But I would always remember...For Kishu I would laugh even if death was here to take me...just so that tears never touch his eyes! That is love to me...I only wish to say that those who know love please don't try to dictate that on others and presume that it is the only sort of love! Life is too precious to be limited by one sort of Love. And Love is too precious for only one Life!

Why Not!

2007-01-25T20:53:00.000+05:30

Different phases and different moods. Same question...(Why?) and same answer...(Why not!)

Yesterday, its anybody's guess, I was particularly blue. I was depressed, lonely and utterly confused. Well, the heart is still amiss, eyes are particularly wet yet the cold wind is softer, milder and definitely heart warming! I am still lonely, I still have the same nostalgia, the grief and the pain...yet I also have the faith...that all shall be fine...hope of a beautiful tomorrow and love of my family. As of now...I want nothing more!

I am strangely content with my situation in life...am at peace with myself and in complete harmony with mother nature. When I hugged ma today, everything was just perfect. Her hand on my head, the dreams in her eyes and the tender kiss on the forehead!

I am not asking god why he did what he did for its not for me to ask...Its for me to simply smile and look at the heavens...feel his warmth as he gently wraps his arm around me and holds me together, feel his laughter as I sulk and complain. Its for me to simply say...I love you God. And then...Why not??? Why not scream! cry! rant! laugh!

Why not indeed!

To all who read the previous post, thanks for listening!
And to all who read this post (without reading the previous one!), I am sure you would now be getting ready to read the previous post...I shall only say...thanks!

Why?

2007-01-24T19:37:00.000+05:30

Okay. I have tried in vain! It won't do! Please allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you!!! No erase that last sentence. There is no one I would say these three words and mean them. I remember when I came back to blogger I told myself I would not talk about how I really feel, would not mention anything that is personal for I was scared...Scared perhaps of attracting bad luck! But then what the hell!!! It is my space and I would scream if I want to, curse if my heart aches to do that and rant about the injustices that I sometimes believe have been meted out to me. If I wish to talk about my pa I would do that, even if it makes me weak and vulnerable I don't care. For once I want to be sad, depressed and totally miserable. I am not happy and I would not try to sound anything otherwise.

There are those moments that come back to haunt, memories that glide as tears even as you laugh at a joke! I hate it completely...why is it important to get a daughter married? Why do people believe that it is their duty to start looking for a match the moment the girl crosses a certain age? Why the F*&^ can't these people just mind their own f^&$%( business?

Why does the heart yearn for that comfort again? Why do you search for signs desperately when you know they are not coming? Why in this world can't you just run away....forever? Why is it so very difficult to tell your eyes to stop looking for that someone who would make winters warmer? Why do hands still stretch out to be engulfed by those long warm fingers when you know that he is just not ever coming back? Why the f*@# can't I cry for my dad if I want to?

Just why do I have to understand and search for the silver lining in every thing? Why do I have to move on in life? Why do I still ache to see him, hug him ever so tightly? Why did Papa leave me without answering? And why did I make my peace with god? Why can't I hate god for whatever happened? Why I just can't give up! And why the tears just rest on the eyelashes and refuse to fall? Why does the pain feel so amazingly comfortable at times?

Why did I write all this?

Relative Right!

2007-01-21T22:57:00.000+05:30

A small conversation between me and my 6 year old nephew on our way to the market to buy candies for him!

“Maki…”
I glanced at him, sitting moodily on the passenger seat, expression of deep thought on his face.
“Yeah?”
“Is it true that God is present everywhere?”
“Yes it is.”
A thoughtful pause and then, “So it means he is in me as well!”
“Yes he is. God lives in everybody. The soul is divided, parted by mystical forces of good and evil. Every human soul has those two parts…The good or GOD and the bad or EVIL. We all have god and evil within us.”
“So good is God and bad is Evil?”
“That’s right!”
“So I have evil in me?” the voice a tad shrill.
“Well evil is not present in kids. Their hearts are pure and only god resides there!”
“So Maki…if God lives in me then he would make me do all the good things. But when I do the things that I think are good then everybody shouts at me. I do well but for all of them it is bad…so how is god for me evil for the rest?”

At that point all I can say is I was thankful we reached the market. For I had no answers. Do you?

Musings of a Lonely Heart

2007-01-21T22:56:00.000+05:30

It could have been a perfect day had it not started on the wrong foot! There are days when I sit in front of my system, my fingers patiently waiting for my heart to start narrating, yet nothing flows through them. And then I force my brain to think, think hard and bring out the deepest darkest desires hidden under coils of dreams. Slowly time reels back, brings out memories of promises that are still scrappy, of missed opportunities that still await a smile, of tarnishing dreams and a dozen heart burns. Silence...

The battle begins. My heart sits in patience and listens to my mind shouting at it, telling of the time that is passing it by. Yet the heart stays mum. There is nothing to speak, nothing to say that would change the past. It tenderly holds all the dead roses in its realms, folds the broken shards of glass lovingly in its midst. Slowly the mind gives up, lulls itself back into a peaceful monotony of existence while the heart braves the cold wind pressing against the old wounds of passion, stirring the fire that had started to ebb. Heart does not know what is right or wrong, does not understand good or evil, moral or immoral. All it understands is the fire within that keeps the person alive. It cares for no one…it only understands the darkness that surround that eternal flame. Heart waits patiently for moments of happiness and treasures memories of pain…it is lonely no doubt…but it was meant to be this way!!!

Dark Temptation...

2007-01-15T19:55:00.000+05:30

She stared without shame, her heart gently beating in her chest. There was just something about it that provoked pure carnal desire. Her mind screamed as her body melted at the site. Pure ecstasy! Yet it was wrong....a sin yet her body arched and she felt her hand moving as her lips trmbled slightly. She was aware of his eyes looking intently as she fumbled once and twice, shook her head in denial and licked her lips nervously.
"Go on..." he coaxed, mocking her slightly as her cheeks turned red. She looked into his eyes and saw the kindness. There was a soft smile on his lips and though she knew he was enjoying her discomfort, he was also aware of the way her body trembled.
Closing her eyes she reached for it and felt the softness as the teeth dug into the deep dark cores. Her eyes opened then and she shuddered once and mouthed it, feeling it just melt into her mouth and send shocks of pure bliss and pleasure to every inch of her body. She looked at him then and smiled, the sweetest smile, "Forgive me for I have sinned!"
"No sin my child. No sin..."
And they burst out laughing as she steadied her fork and plundged it into the heart of the rich chocolate truffle laced with steaming hot chocolate sauce. As she mouthed another bite she knew...few indulgences were just worth it. She felt him laughing, saw his fork devouring the cream on the side without mercy and pulled the plate closer to herself. He gave up without a fight.
"You look so adorable right now."
"Umm...dont disturb and dont try it...I ain't giving it back to you..."
"Hey...I thought you did not want to eat it!"
"Well...now I do so just buzz off!!!!"
He smiled, picked his coffee cup and sipped on. Some temptations he thought, a naughty sparkle lighting his eyes...were just worth it!
As she sat back, the look of utter contentment in her eyes he raised his cup of coffee in salute.
"Thank you..." she said and she meant it. After a rough patch this was exactly what she wanted.
"Don't worry. It shall all be accounted for!!!"
She chuckled and picked her coffee cup. She knew it all meant nothing. They were good friends and she was glad for it. Sipping on her coffee she felt the bitter liquid simmer down her throat with a fervent desire to preserve the tingling effect. With the sun parked high in sky, all glowing and glistening with happiness she felt wind on her face. Life..she thought as an old song started to fill her veins with pure music...was good!

If Only...

2007-01-09T13:23:00.000+05:30

She looked around, feeling desolation take hold of her senses as the cold winter air pressed against her skin, making shivers run down her frizid body. It was just the weather to make every horrible thought surface in the mind and make the eyes go moist. And she did not want to feel anything at the moment. It was just perfect...feeling nothing and savouring the emptiness that seemed to engulf her into its midst. He looked towards her and winked, his smile lighting the features under the lamp. Unwantingly emotions surfaced from deep within and she smiled back. He looked back to the woman standing in front, seeking all his attentions. Her eyes searched the figure for any defect yet her eyes found nothing. There is just so much her heart wished for him to have seen her the way he acknowledged her presence. But wishful thinking was all she could indulge in. Finding her cigarette she lighted it, forcing herself to look anywhere but in his direction.

"Where is your friend tonight?" Sidharth asked and she shrugged in his direction. The two figures were now walking away into the night.
"Ah..." Sidharth said and looked at the woman standing by her side. He felt the emotion erupt in his chest. How he wished she would look at her the way she sought his stare. There was just something about this woman that made him wonder...If only...But it was nothing but wishful thinking, he thought and felt the desolation settle in again.

Strangers in the Night!

2007-01-01T19:41:00.000+05:30

She frowned and took the proffered matchbox without a second thought. Lighting her cigarette she passed it back.
“Thanks…”
“Don’t mention.” He paused as she puffed on her cigarette, smiling at the look of utter disappointment spread over the face.
“Let me guess…bad call?” he asked, a smile lighting the face.
“Oh…well the woman was just not ready to give me her social…I mean it’s not as if I would impersonate her or something!!!”
He chuckled and nodded, inhaling on his cigarette.
“But she would have her insecurities you know…not every person would trust a complete stranger like you…I mean would you…trust a complete stranger?”
She looked at his face from behind the smoke. A nice friendly face, a little too long to be totally handsome, deep brown eyes, small cropped hair and a nicely trimmed French beard…
“Well alright I would have my insecurities trusting someone just like that…but…”
“There are no buts. Different people…different insecurities!”
“And what is yours? Would you trust a stranger?”
He looked at the face, trying to decide whether the eyes behind the glasses were brown or black…but what difference would it make! It was a pretty face, etched skin, prominent cheekbone and straight black hair tied in a high ponytail.
“I would love to…”
She raised an eyebrow, shrugged her shoulders and took another drag.
“It is a tough thing you know…” she started and had his attention, “to build trust.”
“I beg to differ!” he said and she stared at him. The sun was rising beyond the horizon and with the first glimmer of morning light she was disposed to think he was rather…attractive. There was certain arrogance in him that made you wonder…
“You think it is easy to build trust?”
“Certainly. It’s very easy…what is difficult is to keep it!”
“Oh….that ways!” she said and he smiled.
“Yes, that ways. Say for instance if I was to make you trust me…it is damn easy for me…but to make sure that I don’t break it…now that is a tough thing to do!”
“Why would it be a tough thing?”
“Because not all men are honest inside out now…are they?”
“Well they should be!!!”
“There are many things that should and shouldn’t be…yet life is not to be lived by a book. What is the fun if you do all the should be’s and never the shouldn’t be’s….think about it…smoking is a shouldn’t be for instance!”
She laughed and licked her lips. Taking the final puff she looked at her watch.
“Well I better push off and find my cab…”
“And I shall go and sign in!” he said and she smiled at him.
“Namrata,” she said offering her hand which was clasped in a firm handshake.
“Abhishek. Nice to meet you…”
“Lovely meeting you. Bye then.” Namrata said and after another polite smile she turned and started walking away towards her cab. The irate customer totally forgotten and forgotten the fatigue that had held her body captive. It was a bright and sunny morning…Abhishek looked at the woman walking away and removed another cigarette from his pack. A smile hovered on his lips…

Call centres at their best. It was so easy to talk to anybody back then. People would just start a conversation...not bothering to know who the person is.....This is to all those wonderful men I had a little chit chat with while I waited for my cabs in the morning or enjoyed a cup of coffee in my breaks. I dont remember their names for it is for those few whom I had the priveledge to talk just once....yet I do know...I was not the only stranger in the night!

The two seconds

2006-12-27T16:33:00.000+05:30

It's that time of the year again when for some unknown reason we feel a smile hovering over our lips. The year draws to a close and we get ready, few to party, few to study and so on. Yet everyone can feel a strange happiness seep into your body. Try as hard as you can, you feel this invigorating spasms off and on!

Perhaps I am talking about my personal self! Perhaps few of you relate to this and few dont. Yet I recalled the New Year's Eve in Daksh eServices. The holiday season in America and for call centre employees...the rush time. Especially the process I was working for...phew...the call volume was insane. You would end a call and grasp for a breath and the damn avaya would ring again...And then after extended shift when you stepped out into the dark night you felt fog enveloping you in its midst. With shiver running through your spine you could almost feel....ALIVE.

I remember clearly that new year's eve...i was one of the unlucky one's who was working. Well....My shift started at 11:00 p.m...the constant chatter was on, the moment I logged in...I knew...I would be fighting for a minute's breath. Nonethless the calls started pouring. THe workstation was abuzz, the bays jingling away in a variety of accents. Few were standing, few sitting on the carpeted floor. I could see many jumping up with excitement. As we kept chattering we saw our team leaders busy in their own worry. Then I saw my team leader going from one team member to another...he was there on my workstation. On the notepad he simply scribbled...
Put him on hold for 2 minutes on 11:59
And then it was that time, the workfloor was on hold for 2 minutes....those who had no calls were on AUX, and those who were entertaining a call politely on some pretext put the customers on hold. And there it was...the countdown, the synchronized chant which happens when people just murmur the counting...the excitement was building and then the workfloor was screaming...It was a New Year....We shouted, wished one and all a Happy New Year and it was time to get back to work. Within seconds the chatter was back to that constant glub of nothingness, a bunch of whispers. People who had shouted a minute ago were now lazing back on their chairs while trying to explain a plan to a customer.

I don't know how i felt at that particular moment....I dont remember how I cursed Daksh for making me work on New Year's Eve...all I remember is that one moment when we were all a big family, from various parts of the country...we were not hindu or muslim or christian....we were just one...enjoying the end of an year and beginning of another...I just remember that one moment that brought a wide smile on my face....

the two seconds....

The Night Out

2006-12-18T11:22:00.000+05:30

Through this blog, I had endeavoured to bring call centres back to life. Since its inception I had been wanting to write something about them that required a lot of courage. What is amazing about this place is the people who walk there. These people, of various shapes and sizes are just perfectly amiable, well mannered and most importantly, totally independent! And what's best...SEX is not a taboo! People do it and some dont. Yet every one talks about it. With a smile yes but never with a smirk. The darkest and truest side of call centres...

“Have had enough.” She said, her voice slurred as she put the glass back on the table.
“Of what?” He asked and she looked at him. If only she could somehow wipe the silly smile off his face. The whole night he had done nothing but flirt with her friend. Looking at Meenakshi, all huddled on one side of the bed, Megha raised her eyebrows several notches.
“What do you think Sam?”
He shrugged his shoulders and looked at the people who had dozed off at various places. Nikhilesh was snoring blissfully, slumped in an awkward position on the sofa. So were Sumit and Priyank. The worst or perhaps the best off was Meenakshi, sleeping peacefully in the blanket on one corner of the bed.
“I don’t know. Shed some light…Won’t you?”
“All right. Enough of drinks…In case you want to continue then you do that alone!”
He chukled and sipped on his rum. He looked at the girl with admiration. It had been a good night out…and she was one person who had managed to stay sane while everyone else had gotten drunk and dozed off for the rest of the night. She was dressed in a simple track pant and a black spaghetti. A thin shawl acted as the only deterrent. Now that Meenakshi was asleep he looked at Megha with fresh vigor. Meenakshi was without a doubt a pretty female. With long straight hair and a mole on the chin, she was just perfect for flirting. Yet Megha was different. Her hair were straight and tied in a casual bun. A few strands escaped to fall on her face now glowing under the bulb. From behind her glasses, big kohl lined eyes looked at you as if reading whatever was going on in your brain.
“Then what do you wish to do Megha?” he asked and she looked at him. God he was good looking, she thought. She wanted so badly to kiss him, hold his hand and…she checked her thoughts and stood up on the bed.
“I am going to the other room to sleep.”
He merely smiled and gestured for her to leave. That was right, Megha thought. It was the only way it ought to be. Yet she so wanted to do the wrong thing. Not every night is a night like this one. She could feel his eyes on her as she left and was suddenly aware of the tension between them. They were surrounded by acquaintances, colleagues at that! Yet they were the only ones who were awake still. And with every passing moment they had been aware of the imbalance surrounding them. The dark night had acted as a catalyst to her thoughts and she could feel a strange numbing sensation in her finger tips as her hands turned ice cold. His head brushed against her legs as she passed him to leave the room and all warmth seemed to leave her body and converge towards the pit of her stomach. A wild thought kept nagging her to turn around and look at him, just one invitation…yet sanity prevailed, much to her dismay and she walked to the other room in their apartment. Her room which she kept immaculately clean. She liked it like that. After leaving her house and deciding to move to the crazy world of call centers and night outs, she had felt an urge to keep a clean room. How, she remembered, her mother used to fuss about the perpetual state of chaos in her room!
She could have latched her door yet she did not. Getting under her own cosy blanket she felt the warmth spreading like sweet chocolate in her veins. She should have flirted with him, she thought crossly and turned on one side. It was no use, she thought and knew that she as waiting for him to come knocking. When her eyelashes finally draped over her eyes she was still contemplating whether she would let him kiss her or not!
It started like a beautiful dream. She could feel his rough hands caress her bare arms and gently move towards her shoulder. And then she heard him call out her name, in a voice that terrified her out of her reverie. It was no dream, she realized as his mouth came down on hers without a warning. Rude shocks of pleasure coursed through her body as warmth started to converge again. This was an experience she was not new to. Yet in the past it was a different thing. She had known Ravi for four months before he had kissed her. And she had known Sam for two weeks! Yet it was a moment she had been secretly hoping for. His kiss deepened and she heard herself moan. And then the alcohol seemed to loose its hold.
“Oh no!” she gasped for air and shook her head violently!
“No Sam…its not right!”
His handsome features showed confusion as he backed away a bit.
“Megha…”
The voice scared her. Never had Ravi’s voice been so thick with need! And it was a delicious thought.
He seemed to control himself finally. Perhaps it was the fear in her eyes, she thought. Her mind raced to put her heart beat at peace yet she knew that it was a fight she wanted to loose. Mind and heart had lost control. Her body had reacted to a pure carnal desire!
She felt him lie down besides her, her back resting against his chest as hands came to hug her from behind.
“Megha are you sure?” he asked, his voice a mere whisper close to her ear. She wasn’t sure anymore of even her next breath. She felt his fingers on her bare back as his lips gently brushed her ear lobes. He was a colleague! She thought and hastened to remind herself that he was more than a colleague! He was her Team Lead…
All logic and morality bade her to say no. It was the only right thing to do. It was all alcohol; she thought and realized that was not true! She was not drunk and she knew neither was he. All she had to do was form the words. Yet it was not easy. Her body loved it immensely. Her skin was savouring his touch as her mind raced to tell her that it was calling trouble at your door step. He kissed her bare back and she closed her eyes, ready to surrender.
“Megha…if you say once I swear I would leave.” His voice was controlled. Rage seemed to boil within her. What was she supposed to say? How was she supposed to answer this question? Why did men ask??? She thought crossly as she turned to look into his eyes in the darkened room.
“One word Megha…” he said and Megha felt her heart jump to her throat. Say No…her mind raced and her body ached and begged her to say yes. Looking into his eyes she said….

I apologise for not telling you what she said! This is to all the flames that have lighted and would continue to light the nights! And also to those who fizzled away without burning and still come back to haunt ;)

Wind Came Knocking on my door....

2006-12-15T16:29:00.000+05:30

The sound woke me up. It was a strange sound…maybe it was the door that rattled a bit…or perhaps a lazy swoosh of the curtains that had disturbed my sleep. I lay awake in my bed, still dazed by the sleep, wanting badly to sleep on. The warm blanket was coaxing my eyelids to drape over my eyes again, cooing a comforting lullaby. Yet the sound was there again, a strange whisper of movement. Sighing I sat up, wasting some time to search for my slippers. The chill in the room forced me to grope for the shawl lying by me bedside. Finally I, frowning and grumpy, left my bed. It was a shame to do so at this early hour. Yet the sound was nagging me. It was not unpleasant…just a constant th th that made you feel like shutting it.

The door grumbled again and I hastened towards it. An instinct made me stop, wait for that noise again, wishing it to be a dream. Yet it was there and I took a deep breath. Exhaling slowly I opened the door.

For a second I could not breathe as cold air enveloped me like a cocoon, making me shudder. Forcing my eyes to open I saw her, suspended in the air. A woman so sublime you would miss if you blinked. Floating in front of me she seemed to giggle, blink her eyelashes and vanish. I wasn’t cold anymore. It was all there…wide expanse of absolutely nothing stretched against the inky sky that seemed to turn gold as sun pierced its midst…

I turned and looked at my room that lay in semi darkness, could make out the outline of the bed I have slept on for years now, the counter was decked with books and I could make out the old withered blanket that had warmed me these many winters. The walls were perhaps not the same, neither was the surrounding familiar to the eyes. Yet the feeling was familiar. The wind swooshed down low to my ears and whispered as temple bells started to chime at a distance…

You are home…it said and glided away. I smiled and closed my eyes. Yes…I was home!!!

I have recently shifted my house and needless to say Iw as very very upset. Yet after a week it seems...ok I guess. Am still getting used to staying on the 8th floor...yet it feel allright!

I also apologise as i am not a photographer and neither do I have a god camera...this is a pic of the sunset clicked from my humble phone!!!...i guess it gives you as idea...

The Trainer...Either...Or

2006-12-05T23:39:00.000+05:30

While writing the end i was faced with a dilemma...could not decide on the best end...so I leave it to you...Either...Or...

Shweta looked around the rush and felt the constant chatter fill her mind. There was apparently no place she could simply sit and work. She sipped on her coffee and stared warily at the screen of her laptop. As if her misery was not enough her phone was ringing in all its glory all of a sudden and she frowned. Disconnecting the line she picked her pack and extracted a cigarette only to realize that her matchbox had no matches left. Cursing slightly she started to rummage through her purse, hoping against hope to find a spare match box. But then this was an old old bag she had decided to change into. And within seconds she realized she was lucky. In the last pocket, kept in a thin polybag was a matchbox. Taking it out she wondered why it was kept like that and then she remembered. 5 long years...she mused as her fingers glided over the matchbox, remembering the cold night he had given it to her. There had been nothing yet thinking about the man a smile hovered over her lips. She wondered if she would be able to recognize him if he was to come in front of her all of a sudden.

Either

Fate they say has the weirdest sense of timing. One could probably never understand the cosmic forces that bring two strangers face to face. Just the thought was not enough that the man simply walked up the stairs towards where she was sitting. She could not have mistaken him in a million years. 5 years hadn't touched him at all. Still the same strong cheekbone that spoke volumes about the determination, the light gait and most importantly the eyebrows. Thick dark eyebrows...he had been talking on the phone and seemed oblivious of her presence and then he saw her, sitting on the corner, a cigarette poised in her fingers.
"Is that really you?" he asked and Shweta looked around, unsure he had spoken to her. Yet it was more than evident that she was the one who had been addressed.
"Sanjay...hi."
"Shweta...right?" he smiled and she instinctively clutched the matchbox tighter in her palm as she hastily forwarded her other hand for a hand shake.
"What are you doing here?" she asked and he shrugged.
"Just had a couple of hours to myself so decided to grab coffee. And what are you doing here?"
"Oh...just finishing some work...join me?" she asked and he smiled the same wide smile that seemed to reach his dark eyes.
"Sure."
Shweta looked at him from the corner of her eye. He had not changed much. Casually dressed in faded denims and a dark grey t-shirt he could still make her heart flip over to her throat. He seemed completely excited to meet her and she could not imagine the reason. Back then he had shown no emotion. She still remembered how once she had chanced to meet him on the door six months later. He had smiled, inquired after the job, nodded and left. How she had hoped to confess how she felt for him just once before she left yet she had never gotten a chance again. And now after 5 years they were sitting in front of each other outside a coffee shop, he completely at ease with her.
"So...what have you been up to?" he asked and Shweta licked her lips that had dried like her mouth.
"Nothing much. Just working...moved out of call centers long time ago..."
"I know. It has been so long now...I just can't tell you what a pleasant surprise it is."
Shweta could not believe how strongly she had felt for this guy.
"Why are u not lighting it...let me guess...out of lights again?" he asked and with a flourish his lighter was out. Shweta bent forward to light her cigarette choking on the smoke as he continued..."Remember the first time we met...you were out of lights even back then."
Shweta was completely wary by now. He remembered not only her name but their first meeting. Inhaling on the comforting smoke she looked at him. He was ordering for coffee and inquired if she would like another cup. Her coffee had long been cold now. Nodding she looked away.
Presently the cups were placed in front of them and Shweta stared at him, easily stirring the coffee.
“You seem a bit lost,” he asked and she caught herself looking at the cup.
“I don’t know. I mean…you seem so…”
He smiled, his eyes lighting with the gleam she had often seen.
“Different?”
“Well…yes. I mean…I always thought you never even noticed anyone.”
He was smiling like he had never done before, an easy friendly smile.
“Well…I did notice everything. And besides you are a kind of person one can’t help but notice.”
“Whoa…that’s some statement!” Shweta said, relaxing in his company for the first time. This was perhaps the side she had never seen. And she liked it by the minute.
“Well…I have to say…you were definitely loud back then…” his hands moved up in complete surrender as face lighted with a mischievous smile.
“I meant that in a good way,” he added as she gaped.
“Really?”
“Yes…you were easily one of the best trainees I have ever trained. It was fun training you…” the mischief had long been replaced by a sweet smile that was discomforting her.
That was a long time ago; she told herself and sipped on her coffee.
Sanjay stared at her and recalled the vulnerability. A young girl had now been replaced by a woman and some woman she was. How he had often looked at her while she fought with a certain complexity, how she would never give up on anything. Now she was not a colleague, the voice was distinctly his own and he looked at her, sipping peacefully at her coffee. Shaking his head he knew it was too late. Extracting a cigarette he placed it thoughtfully between his lips, his hands searching for the lighter. And luck failed him. The lighter would not work. Sighing he looked around, hoping to find someone who would have a light on him.
“Here…” the matchstick was cupped firmly by beautiful long fingers.
“You had a light?” he asked…taking his first drag and looking at the smile that lighted her features.
“Well…yes. Infact it is yours…”
“Mine?” he asked and she nodded.
“Yup…on the graduation day…remember?’
He remembered clearly. That night he had had a hard time forgetting, for no obvious reasons.
“Here…have a look,” she said and passed on the matchbox.
Sanjay twisted the box and the quote made him smile…
Printed in small red italics were the words…
‘Whatever goes around comes around’
“You know...back in those days I had this huge crush on you…” she was speaking and Sanjay stared on. That was so signature Shweta…right on your face!
Shweta looked at his smile and wondered how strange this meeting was. A certain part of her heart was really happy to meet him yet there was a strange sadness. She did not have any feelings for him now…yet it had been a crush for too long and that was perhaps the cause of the slight uneasiness that had settled in the pit of her stomach.
Sanjay stared hard, trying to understand the thoughts that were playing hide and seek in her eyes. Yet he had no luck. He had always known she had a thing for him…yet to hear the words was a completely different experience. But back then it was not right…and now…
“There you are!” the voice came from behind and Shweta looked at the woman carrying at least five bags in her hands. She was dressed casually in a black long skirt and a peach top that hid nothing of her fine figure. Her hair were neatly tied in a high pony tail and she was certainly addressing Sanjay.
“Hi honey. Guess who I met…” Sanjay was hugging her now and pulling her a chair. She smiled at Shweta.
“Shweta…she was my best trainee in ***. And Shweta meet Nimisha…my fiancée.”
Shweta felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. Why had she told him about her crush? Why now?
“Glad to meet you…” Shweta smiled and kept her coffee aside.
“Well…I better make a move. It was lovely meeting you after such a long time.” Shweta said and stood up.
“Ugh…yeah sure. Do keep in touch…” he said and Shweta smiled.
“Sure…anyhow…congrats to both of you…I am really late.”
Her fingers shook as she picked up her bag and started to move. She felt nothing for him yet it had hurt her…
“Shweta…” he called her name and she turned.
“You forgot this…”
Sanjay was holding the matchbox in his hand and Shweta smiled…”Not again Sanjay.” She said and hastily turned to walk away from him, conscious of the tears that had started to glide down her face now.

Sanjay looked at Nimisha; her eyes alight with the knowledge of what had just happened.
“Shweta…the woman you had a crush on once…right?” she asked and Sanjay looked at the woman in front.
“History Nimisha…Coffee?”
His hands closed around the matchbox. He won’t let go of it…never!

Or

Shweta lighted her cigarette, remembering those cold nights she had stood outside her office, wishing with all her heart to have just enough courage to go and speak with him. Yet at that time he had been so aloof…there was just not enough reason to do that. And besides she had been barely twenty at that time. Now she was wiser and smarter, had a wonderful career stretched out in front of her? Yet…for some reason whenever she went to train a new batch she thought about him…her reason that had motivated her to be a trainer. Sighing she locked on to the internet and searched again…wishing to find some link…some news about that elusive gentleman. Yet they were lost forever now. She had changed her job and finally gotten the opportunity to become a trainer yet it had taken her away from the city for a complete three years. When she did come back…she had no hope of finding him. She still remembered distinctly the way he smiled. Smiling at herself she wrapped her work. She was getting late for a meeting. Her new boss was joining the office today and she was looking forward to meet him. Had not managed to hear much about him except for the fact that he had been in the industry for quite some time now and was an excellent person. She stood up and looked at the matchbox lying on the table top, a contrasting yellow against the dark brown. The red fonts were still visible…reading them again she shook her head and walked away leaving the matchbox. It was time for her to move on…

The man removed his sunglasses and walked towards the empty table. Settling in the chair he extracted a cigarette from his pack and his eyes found the matchbox. It was a box he had not seen for a long time now. An old packing of a famous brand…his long fingers reached out and picked it up, staring at the red fonts gleaming against the yellow backdrop. He remembered keeping a similar matchbox on him most of the times, especially for the quote printed on its back. And one fine night he had passed it over to a very special person. A general gleam lighted the dark eyes as his mind raced back to the girl he had had a hard time forgetting. He still remembered the way she simply understood everything, her mannerisms, the sweet smile and most importantly the complete rebellious attitude when she lighted her cigarette. For some reason he always felt that she had feelings. And there were nights when he had looked at her and wondered he would not have minded reciprocating them. Yet it was not the right thing to do. She was a trainee…a colleague and it was just not right. Besides office relationships were often disastrous. Looking at his watch he decided he should make a move…It did not set a right example if you reach late on your first day of a new job. He looked at the matchbox and without knowing exactly why he grabbed it. For old times sake he thought and moved on holding the matchbox in his hand.
They stared at each other, both lost in a strange battle. How were they supposed to meet each other? They were working again in the same organization…he was her senior she was a colleague.
He hasn’t changed a bit…
God she is still as pretty as ever…
“You still smoke?” he asked and she smiled as they walked up to the roof. The weather was pleasant for this time of the year.
“I can’t tell you what a pleasant surprise it is to see you as a trainer!” he started as he offered a cigarette to her. Accepting she smiled…
“I had very strong motivations!”
She stared as he extracted a yellow matchbox from his pocket and lighted a match, holding it cupped in his hands. Without knowing why her eyes searched and found the red letters printed on the back. As her eyes scanned them again, a smile lighted her face and she lit the cigarette.
It was getting easier and easier to talk with him. The sun was setting beyond the horizon now and it was a signal that their work was about to begin.
“Shall we make a move?” she asked and he nodded. Smiling she walked towards the door. He stood there, musing over his luck. He knew not why he felt so happy at seeing her again…his eyes read the quote again and he smiled…
What goes around comes around
“Sanjay…you coming?” she asked and he looked at her, standing by the door. Damn he thought…she was a colleague.

THE END...........

The Trainer...contd.

2006-12-04T18:02:00.000+05:30

There are a few days in every woman's life when she feels perpetual happiness. The days when she believes herself to be in love! Shweta, was certain she could never think of any other man. And there was just something about this man that kept her wondering. Quickly her life had fallen into the routine. Her cab reached a good ten mintes before his' arrived. She would rush to the coffee vending machine, grab her cup and rush out again just to catch a glimpse of him as he descended from his cab. He always smiled but never really stayed on to chat. The customary smile, the informal nod and the small talk before he moved away. Shweta could not find any fault in him. As a trainer he was just perfect. She heard with complete attention as he explained the technicalities. She always believed herself to be bad with computers yet with him around she was learning quickly. There were those days however when he was a bit too near for comfort, explaining the step ahead on her workstation. She had noticed everything about him. The way he seldom smiled during class, the uncanny sparkle in his eyes whenever he laughed. The way he stood, completely at ease with himself, his steady walk, the thick baritone voice cultured to perfection and not to mention heady whiff of soap.
Soon Shweta felt the uneasiness settle in the pit of her stomach. She had never realized when the thirty day training period had dwindled away and she was all set to hit the floor as they called it. She knew she had done well...there was not one person who had matched up to her knowledge of the process yet she was unsure of the next day. The party had been everything she had not expected...a whole lot of fun. They had danced till their heels hurt, had toasted to every single state in US of A...yet somehow as she moved out into the still cold night she felt completely drained. She felt anger surge through her as she realized she was out of matches.
"Here...let me help you," the voice was close by and Shweta had no need to look. She bent and felt his thumb gently brush against her cheeks, took a long puff and moved away, looking towards him light his own cigarette.
"Congrats..." he said and she smiled.
"Well. Thanks...I just doubt whether i really deserve it!"
"Of course you do. You were the best." he said and Shweta dared to look into his eyes, the frankness too palpable.
"Uh...I just..."
"Don't worry Shweta...you would do just fine...I know it." he said and Shweta knew he was about to leave again. There was no one outside smoking so she did have the opportunity of standing close to him. She would not be able to meet him now, maybe not even see him. At that moment perhaps Shweta should have told him yet courage seemed to fail her. She puffed away silently, feeling sadness engulf her.
"That's my cab." he said and Shweta looked around.
"You are not staying longer?"
He hesitated for just a second and Shweta felt he knew but then he smiled and she was unsure again.
"I am not getting the weekend off...you enjoy the party and all the best. I know you would do well."
Her smile died as he turned away and started walking out of the premises. That was it...Shweta thought silently and wondered...
"Hey Sanjay," she called and he turned.
She wanted to tell him she completely adored him, wondered if they could have something more than just a polite hi and bye? Yet somehow courage left her door that instant and she smiled...
"Could you lend me the matchbox?" she asked and Sanjay smiled, took it out casually and flipped it towards her and was gone. Shweta stared at the small box. It was an AIM box and nimbly she flipped it around to read the small quotes it was famous for. A tear trickled down her face as she wrapped her fingers around it. She instantly knew that she would never let go of this matchbox...

concluding part on Wed 6th dec 06

The Trainer...

2006-11-30T22:31:00.000+05:30

This is the first part of a short story that would unwind right here on callcentrediaries...and is dedicated to all the awesome trainers that made the honeymoon period a memorable experience...

Shweta waited as the machine rolled out coffee into the small cup. Her fifth cup of the night, she mused and grabbed it. She did not care which cup it was...as long as it was hot and warm she was happy. With the cup held in one hand and the pack of cigarette in another she stood in front of the door, feeling unsure as to how to open it! "There...let me help you." the voice was definitely masculine as a hand slided from behind her and pulled the door open. Shweta looked around at her saviour and found herself staring at a set of dark eyes under thick dark eye brows that seemed to meet in centre. He was someone she had never seen in office before for she was certain had she seen him she would have recalled a face like this one. Smiling her thanks she walked out into the pleasant night. It had rained a little while ago and there was a sweet smell in the air that refreshed her senses. She looked around and saw him lighting a cigarette. Presently he looked towards her and she asked for the matchbox. A matchbox was lying snuggly in the pocket of her jeans yet she felt like talking to this man. There was just something in his eyes."Sure...""Thanks again.""My pleasure lady."Shweta smiled and looked around."Training?" he asked and Shweta nodded."Yup. I joined three days ago.""Welcome to the organisation!' he said and after a polite smile he walked away towards the other corner. Shweta kept staring long after he was gone. She had never ever imagined that just one look could do that to her. Three long days of induction and her first night on the job! Or rather the first night of a month long training! She had liked it so far. Just two hours in it and she was enjoying. "There you are!" the girl who was in her team caught up with her. She was a pleasant enough girl, short in height and extremely thin with straight black hair and a slightly long face. Shweta smiled at her and kept looking in the direction the man had left."You looking for someone?" the girl...Neha...asked and Shweta recounted the stranger that she would have hard time forgetting."Did youa ask him which process he was working in? Or his name in the least?" she asked and Shweta frowned."No...why?'"Did you attend the induction or what? Remember there are three thousand people working in this place day in and out with over 18 processes. Chances are lady...you might never see this man again!"Shweta looked at the girl and felt disappointed. That was true indeed. There were chances she would never see him again. Gulping down the liquid she walked behind Neha, feeling grumpy and lost. She should have asked his name...introduce herself or something like that. She found a seat towards the end of the bay. All of a sudden she was not intersted in the training. There trainer was nice...had seemed friendly yet she found herself thinking about the man...the one man who in all probability she might never see again. The door to the room opened as her trainer walked in followed by a man of about 6 in height. He was dressed casually in blue denims and a cream colored shirt tucked in ever so neatly. His hair were thick and mouth curved in a pleasant smile. Her eyes locked with his, the deep black eyes that seemed to read her very soul...Shweta felt her heart skip a beat as her trainer spoke..."Please meet Sanjay...my colleague and your second trainer!"

Feel Like a Woman!

2006-11-29T10:03:00.000+05:30

I woke up with a dream in my eyes today morning, the dream of a beautiful kitchen. Strange as it may seem but I just can't take out that kitchen from my mind. It was done in shades of brown with a semi circular end that had the stove and a chimney on top, making it look like an alcove of sorts. The slab in the middle was perfectly placed, not breaking down the path nor making the kitchen look any smaller.

People might wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I talking about a kitchen this early? Why am I talking about a kitchen at all?

Well because I am amused by the change in me. The things that I never paid attention to are now glaringly important for me. I worry about my skin....for the first time in my life I actually had a sleepless night about a zit on my face!!! I think & dream about kitchens! I worry about my wardrobe...my hair...its like all of a sudden I just feel like being a woman!

I was not a tom boy by any means. I had my own style yet I hated all the fuss about combing your hair thirteen times in 15 minutes routine, the look in the mirror and rectify my make up minutes, the oh my god am I looking fat stuff!!!
We can discount the last in the sense because I am fat to the extent that asking this question won't be wise! Yet for the first time in how many years I just want to look pretty!!!
I always managed to...but once the make up was in place it would take a nice daant from mama to 'touch it up!'. But now I am a little too conscious about all that.

I was always a woman...yet I had guarded myself from all the 'girly' stuff!

Today all I want to say is...MAN...I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!

TOUCHWOOD!!!

2006-11-27T23:42:00.000+05:30

The two girls walked around the park, each battling with a strange thought. Ayesha felt the strange tension envelope them. She could barely imagine the secret Nitika was about to share with her. Yet if Niti had something to talk about then Ayesha had all the time in the world. Niti walked in silence, her heart in a turmoil. Was it the right moment? Could she trust Ayesha? Would Ayesha judge her? She had know Ayu for over two years now and they somehow
understood each other. Looking at the students rushing through the ground Niti felt indecisive about her judgement agin but she just had to share it with someone and at that instant she could not share it with anyone other than Ayesha. They found a lonely spot and sat down for what was the first discussion of its kind...Niti looked definitely preoccupied, though Ayesha. What was it that was bothering her so much? What was it that Niti had to tell her? She waited patiently and accepted the silence that followed. Niti finally took a breath and looked at Ayesha."I am in love," she said and Ayesha waited. The silence made her think again. She had not heard the complete sentence. Was it what she had heard? Love?"Huh?' the first thought that crossed Ayesha's mind was...WHAT??? You are hardly twelve girl! We are hardly 12!!!""I know...I am in love. I have seen him around Ayu and there is just something about him. When today in the bus he sat by my side I just felt..."Ayesha was not listening anymore. Her mind was mingled with different emotions. A part of her heart was crying out in plain amusement...How weird!! and the other was trying to understand the look on the face. For some reason Niti looked pretty. Her eyes were alight with a passion she had never seen in them before. She was glowing with not the love of the man but just the idea of being in love. A smile broke on her lips as she sat and listened as her friend reconted her first ever crush...

They sat across the table, the silence broken occaionally by the click of the cup as Niti kept it back on the saucer. Ayesha held her glass of diet coke, savouring the moment. Life had walked wih them for a long time now...And they had come such a long way. She looked as Niti's face glowed under the dim light, eyes glittering due to the hint of tears. She looked as radiant as ever and Ayesha felt the affection bring back tears to her own eyes."You just love him so much..." Ayesha said and Niti smiled."I do..." her eyes wondered towards her friends for reasurance. It was just there...no words required to explain how she felt for this man. And no words required to explain to Ayesha...Sighing both looked at the table and then their hands went out to touch the wooden surface simultaneously as they said it out loud...'TOUCHWOOD'. The silence was instantly broken down with the giggle as the two friends revelled in the comfortable silence.

An apology

2006-11-20T14:49:00.000+05:30

I have lost it. For the past three days I have been trying to write something yet I am failing miserably. Nothing I write gives me that satisfaction. My creativity is suffering. I stare for hours together at the screen as if words would call back to me, wake me up from the slumber my mind has forced upon me yet nothing really happens. My hands remain poised in front of the keyboard and eyes focussed on a blank screen. And then I force them to start motion, write something atleast and then words start forming only to be deleted a while later. Why is it happening? I wish I could talk about it. Yet I am not too keen on divulging the secret. But write I must...to unburden the words that are waiting on my fingertips...Three days ago I was almost certain what I wanted to write about. I even talked about it with the person it was concerned with and then by the time the pleasant conversation ended there was nothing left to say. I would not say I cried for I did not. Yet I felt a strange pain settle somewhere close to my heart. I know I was wrong, maybe obstinate and completely out of line. I know I was downright rude by the end...yet the damage was done!
Who was hurt more I can not comment. But the fact remains that I hurt the only person I call my sunshine!I have known him for close to 6 years now...infact 7 years. The acquaintance was a joke in the beginning, one of the many teenage whims. Yet with age things changed. As I went on to understand him, things began to change. He was a boy unlike any other I had ever met...outgoing, funny and downright arrogant. For some strange reason I never hated his humongous attitude for there was never false ego. In one simple sentence he was the boy who loved himself...totally. It was completely infectious. His laughter was resonant, and no matter how blue my mood was...ten minutes after talking with him I was smiling ear to ear. The only person who could call me an Idiot a 100 times without irking me. Many of my diary entries refer to him as the feel good factor! As I sat around, trying to understand him I saw him change from a totally 'biggra' boy to a responsible and considerate man. His laughter did not change, nor did the criticisms get any softer (infact they grew!), his self love increased and he remained essentially the same! At times I like to believe that he never changed...it was just that with time I started to understand him a bit better. Yet I feel I don't know him at all.
He can carry himself extremely well, his voice is textured, accent refined and mannerisms perfect. He would smile and frown at you, raise his eyebrow in mockery and laugh out loud when you realize the reason and blush like a kid. He would chide you for your behaviour, scream his exasperation yet never loose his control. He is still the man who could make the bluest day just fade into memories...if bharti is the comfortable cool of the night that will just wait patiently by my side, he is the sunshine that would make all the miseries look insignificant.
And being the Idiot that I am I hurt him. Just one sentence and I felt dark clouds gather around. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose for I love the clouds. They promise me shelter from getting burnt. Was it my fear? I don't want to dwell on it any more. For the moment I am happy with the comfort of darkness around me. Yet I know I have hurt someone and he did not deserve that. For that reason all I want to say is that I am sorry.

Milestone 25!

2006-11-14T16:49:00.000+05:30

25...just a number. Yet today it is more than just that in my life. For so many reasons...

When I had barely joined the call centre a good friend once asked me what was it that I wanted to do...and I knew that I had to set goals for myself. I pondered over and over, tried to analyse what all i wanted to do and decided that I should have a definite goal. The only thing i came up with just one...have to earn a minimum package of 50G by the age of 25...own and drive my own car by the age of 25...complete my first book by the age of 25...
It is anybody's guess that what was simply my goal was to achieve a certain something by that age. Then why now am I refering to this number?

In July 2007 I would be 25.

When Deepti tagged me I pondered...thought and analysed how to disturb the pattern to make it more me. And the answer was a simple 25...My idea...stating 25 things I have done and 25 I would want to do. Majority are from the list...the rest I would be adding to...shall I say...customize the tag a bit!

Here goes the 2 twenty fives...

25 Miles already travelled...

1. Climbed a mountain
2. Said 'I love you' and meant it...(do that often:))
3. Stayed up all night and watched the SUNRISE
4. Slept under the stars
5. Changed a baby's diaper
6. Watched a meteor shower
7. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
8. Asked out a stranger
9. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
10.Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
11.Adopted an accent for an entire day
12.Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
13.Had two hard drives for your computer (Just got that!)
14.Taken care of someone who was drunk
15.Had amazing friends (STILL HAVE THEM...TOUCHWOOD!)
16.Taken a road-trip
17.Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
18.Played in the mud
19.Played in the rain
20.Toured ancient sites
21.Got flowers for no reason
22.Performed on stage
23.Buried one of your parents
24.Had an entire black wardrobe...(In totality...my mother shrieked after

she realised I actually had no other color to wear!!!)
25.Had a series of weird dreams about people I know that came true!!!

ANd Miles to go before I Sleep...

1. Watch Wild Whales in their natural habitat
2. Dance with a stranger in a foreign land
3. Take a Ferrari for a test drive
4. Visit Paris
5. Stand on top of a lighthouse and look at the sea.
6. Go bagpacking in European countryside
7. Start a business
8. An evening in gobdola in Venice.
9. Be on a television show as an EXPERT!!! (wow wow wow)
10.Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (I just worry about coming back up!)
11.Skip all school reunions
12.Eat Shushi...
13.Go on a much planned vacation with someone special
14.Swim in the moonlight.
15.Walk on the beach on a full moon night...
16.Own atleast 10 different black shoes!
17.Be in shape and have a Sexy Black evening dress.
18.Get my work published
19.Witness the ALPS and the PYRAMIDS
20.Stroll in the Paris by myself
21. Own a house in Mussourie
22.Swim with Wild Dolphins
23.Read Gone with the Wind
24.Gift a Mercedes to my nephew on his 18th b'day.
AND
25. GET A SALARY PACKAGE OF 50 G A MONTH BY MY 25TH B'DAY...

A Glimpse of Gauri

2006-11-06T12:10:00.000+05:30

To all those who don't know, Gauri is my latest creation. She is the Queen of the lot...the main protogonist of my first full fledged novel. Why am I giving an insight into her abhi se? Well...for at this very moment she is all I have...she is my inspiration as much as I am her imagination....(conscious interchange of inspiration and imagination!)

Gauri sat on the cold bench, welcoming the chill in the air. Life, she thought, had a lot instore for her. She knew the next morning the sun would smile down at her and warm her. Yet...
Gently she touched her belly and felt the movement murmur the presence she could never deny.
"You look lost." Amit said and Gauri turned to look at the man, dressed in a blue cardigan, his curly hair indicating the slight wind.
"Maybe I am." She replied. She heard him sigh and sit besides her.
"It's not a good feeling."
"And why not?" Gauri asked.
"Well...Why would you like being lost?"
Gauri smiled and looked at the log of wood that was now gently simmering. Fire had consumed life out of it and made it into a pile of ash held together for another while.
"So that someone would find me." Gauri murmured and kept her gaze fixed at the burning ambers. She felt his eyes on her, felt the softness alight the dark eyes yet she kept staring at the fire. Her heart had no place for that softness. It felt nothing at the instant. A mean block of ice was placed in her chest, beating as if forced to. Every instant the cold became her. The fire failed to warm her frozen heart. She was waiting...for that moment when that fire would be her again. When warmth would course through her blood and make her alive...again!

Sighing she looked at Amit and smiled.
"I think I need to rest now."
"Sure." Amit stood up yet his smile was instantly replaced by concern for the lady in front. She was covered in beads of perspiration. Her eyes that had been cold were now wide with fear and acute pain.
"What's the matter?" he asked and Gauri sat on the bench again. Her heart was beating loudly in her chest now. A smile hovered over her lips. With the realization of pain she felt life flow into her.
"It's time...Chabili...the baby..." she gasped, fighting for air to fill her lungs. The fire was burning wildly now and she felt it in her body.
"Oh my god. You wait...I would call someone..."Amit said and she held on to his sleeve. Tears were forming in her eyes now...Warm tears of gratitude and pain mingled with fear.
"Don't leave me..." She said and held on to his arm and he looked down at the face glowing in the light of fire, the wide dark eyes blazing with such pain that rendered the woman an angelic aura. He stared transfixed and put his hand on the forehead lovingly...
"I would never leave you!"....

Point 47....

2006-11-03T23:28:00.000+05:30

Well...Prashant wrote a long list of his itches and the only itch that seemed to be unanimous was the POINT 47. What do women think when they check out men...

I ain't no expert but here are a few things that most of the women check out...

Hands...are they clean?
How does he laugh?
His clothes.....dirty? shirt tucked in?
Hair....nicely combed or unruly?

Hands....are they scratching?
Eyes....is he checking out my breast?

Lips....does he lick them too often?
His mobile phone....is he playing with it?

The bulk in the trousers....show me the money!

Hands....are the nails clipped? are they clean?
Smile....

Height....
approximate weight...
approximate length......

Does he slouch?
Let me see if he takes out a 100 ka note or 500 ka?

Hands...where is he keeping them...

And then almost all of them are thinking exactly the following things while checking out a guy...

He's...umm okay. What's with this guy? Am i looking okay? I should have worn that black dress...it would have made me look slimmer! Damn...is he checking me out? That ass...can't look at my face!/ Why is he not looking at my breast??? I should have worn a tighter top...damn! What did he say he was doing again? Hmm...would it look okay if i order a chicken sandwich...am so hungry...no he would think i am a pig...I should have left my hair open...damn is he going to say something/ Kitna bolta hain!......No watch? Nice phone....wish i could throw that in the bin....Oh what the hell....I bet he has never seen a better looking woman in his life...that bitch in white top is smiling...why can't she live with her own?/ Is that bitch smirking? God...why did he have to wear this weird combination....i mean a T on a Thursday???
Man I am sooooo hungry...I think I should take that Chicken Sub...To hell with the diet..."Just Irish Coffee for me...without cream..." Damn, will wait till he goes....

7-8 Lay them Straight!

2006-10-31T23:54:00.000+05:30

I am tagged by Richa. And honestly I have been thinking what could be the ten things aboue me...

Well here goes nothing...

10 things that very few people know about me....

#1 I am scared of tall buildings....especially the closed barricaded ones.

#2 In fourth standard I aspired to be a doctor from AIIMS and find the cure of AIDS....those were the day:)

#3 After my Dad passed away, I started talking to him in my diary. The diary entry now always starts with Dear Papa...

#4 I want my stories to be made into Bollywood Movies...

#5 I started writin short stories when I was in ninth and my mother(who introduced me to the lovely world of books) took away all my books for my boards were approaching. The lack of books led me to write a story of my own that i could read!

#6 I started writing in the loo! & finished my first short story in the loo!

#7 I still give one blank call every year to my first crush from the net...can't help it...he had the sexiest damn voice I have ever heard!

#8 I wished to own a Retreat Spa...still do

#9 I am petrified of dying in a car accident.

#10 (Whew!) I am scared of being in a relationship. This fear is so intense that I would drive away any man who comes too close!

Sharma ji

2006-10-29T22:23:00.000+05:30

She waited patiently while he talked on with Sharmaji, smiling at herself. It was a habbit with him. He would always forget that she was waiting on the phone. Finally she heard him instruct Sharma ji about another work, chuckle and then his voice back on the phone.
"Sorry." He said and she laughed.
"No need. I quite enjoy listening into your talks with Sharma ji."
She heard him laugh and then they were chatting, Sharma ji forgotten for the time being. And then again...
"Hold on,...Sharmaji..."
"Now what?" she asked yet she knew she wasn't being heard. The attention was back to Sharma ji and she held on.
"Sorry again." he said, reverting back to the phone conversation.
"You and your Sharma ji..." she joked.
They talked on for another hour and then she kept down the phone.

Wondering what is it? Well it's not a story. Its a narration of the routine telephonic conversation I share with my dear friend Gaurav. Everytime I have called him in the past while he was in office, I have waited and listened on to his conversation with Sharma ji. I have joked about him too. He was somewhere always there but of no concern to me. Then why am i writing a blog entry for him?

I called my friend in the evening and this is the conversation that took place.

"Hi Gaurav."
"Hey Kanz," (Voice strained)
"You ok?" I asked, a bit worried.
"I have had a bad day."
I smiled, thinking he got another of his scoldings from his dad. It was always amusing to listen to him narrate. But then there was something out of place. Maybe something wrong at work.
"Well..." he sighed, "Do you remember the infamous Sharma ji?"
"Ofcourse I do. What about him?" I asked completely unaware of what was coming next my way.
"Well...he is no more."
The words sank in rather slowly and the first words that blurted out of my mouth were..."How can he just go like that?"
"People just go like that Kanz"....

We did not talk after that. He needed time and strangely I did too. I have never seen the man, he was just the foreman at my friends factory. Never have I ever talked with him. Have just heard him talking in the background, heard Gaurav joking with him and laughed at my friend and joked about Sharma ji. That's all. Yet...

While i write this post I have tears in my eyes. And though he was a nobody...I felt that i had lost someone.

This is because I know all of us come across people who mean nothing to us. They are not our friends, family or aquaintances. They are just there. Lurking in the background as we rush through our life. They don't bring changes in are life, they don't matter. Yet...you are oddly aware of their presence. And feel their loss.

Do you know a Sharma ji?

Instant Coffee

2006-10-28T00:28:00.000+05:30

Weird title. But then that was the first thing that came to my mind when I opened the page and decided to write a post where in I would share some of the weird questions of my life and then Tag Deepak and SUBHADIP...and Bharti...if i can manage to get her to come to my page...her blog has been dead too long
And Woodie...Kindly add a TAGGED AGAIN AND AGAIN...cause the same goes for you.

Basically anyone who goes through this....he he he

Its a very simple questionnaire....kindly keep the answers limited to a word or a phrase!

1. When I look at the stars...I Smile

2. Rains...a good book!

3. Happiness is...my nephew's smile!

4. Books...best friend

5. Men/Women(Whichever applicable)....can't do without!

6. Love is....a two way road!

7. God...Faith

8. Summer of 69?...Cafe Coffee Day

9. Pride....& Prejudice

10. Life...INSTANT COFFEE!!!!!

White Memories

2006-10-19T17:22:00.000+05:30

Woodsmoke talked about winters recently in her post and reminded me of the white memories of fog laden mornings and white nights. And today I felt the nip in the air tug at my sleeve, gently transporting me back. And hence the story...

She rubbed her eyes, wishing to rush back into her warm blanket. Then she saw the tall figure standing in the garden, dressed in a white cotton kurta pyjama with a thin shawl over his shoulder. Looking at him she dragged her feet towards the door, stopping to collect her shawl and clutch it tightly. There was a dense fog cover and she could not see anything beyond the white silhoutte.
"Good morning." she called out and the man turned, smiling at his youngest daughter.
"You are up?"
"Hmmm...what are you doing?" she asked and he smiled.
"Breathing the fog! It's wonderful. Come and try." he said and she obeyed. Standing right next to him she was shivering uncontrollably while he was oblivious of the chill.
"Let the chill be one with you. Come in contact with nature and you would not feel cold." he instructed and she looked with her young eyes up at the man.
"But Papa..."
"Shh...follow me." He said and stood with his arms outstretched, as if embracing the fog cover. His eyes closed and his mouth opened as he took in the fresh air, filling his lungs with the white blanket. Momentarily he stayed in that position and then opened his eyes.
"Your turn!"
She hesitated, not realising how it could be of any good to her, yet she followed. Her father was never wrong.
Her eyes closed and arms outstretched, she slightly opened her mouth. The cold rushed inside and she felt the air travelling through her throat and settling in her lungs. There was an uncontrollable moment of chill as her chest constricted in the cold. And then, unbelievably she felt sweat break on her forehead. Her body adjusted to the cold. She was a part of her surroundings. She turned and looked at her father, his face smiling down at her.

She closed her eyes again and felt the wind caress her senses, her heart beat wildly for a second and then she was at peace. Opening her eyes, she looked around and saw her 5 year old son looking quizzically at her.
"What are you doing ma? I am cold!" he said, rubbing his eyes.
"Doing something that my dad taught me when I was your age!"
"What?"
"You would do it?" she asked and he nodded. He would do anything his mom would say...She was never wrong.
And then she was teaching him the way once someone had taught her. looking at the white fog rushing to surround her she opened her arms...

2006-10-17T18:28:00.000+05:30

Two days ago is when this post should have come online yet due to work I coudn't do so. (i know its a lame excuse but it's true!)
Anyhow, what happened was a simple thing. As many know by now, my favorite spot in the call centres was the stairs outside the office where one and all could sit and chat for long hours (metaphorically!) with friends. And two days ago, after a long day's work I simply sat on the stairs and was reprimanded for the same!

It's professionally not acceptable they say! What can I say? I missed the good old days so very much!

Perspective

2006-10-13T17:22:00.000+05:30

"When would we reach?" Shweta asked, cheking her watch for the tenth time in the last 5 minutes.
"Look at the traffic kid. Can't blame them. This is the worst rain I have ever seen in Delhi." Mohit spoke and looked back at the girl. She was happily looking at the rain, her face distorting everytime she looked at her watch.
"This is hardly anything." Shweta said and Mohit frowned.
"I agree. But then it is after such a long time we are witnessing a downpour like this. Delhi's weather has gone to the dogs I say!" Sameer joined in.
"True." Shweta agreed and looked at the rain. She loved it.
"What a life yaar...I mean..." Shweta said and Mohit frowned.
"What's wrong in this life?"
"Everything. Everyone is sleeping!"
"And missing the rain...perspective kid."
Shweta smiled smugly and looked at the long line of cars and trucks. The lights were blurring behind the curtain of rain.
"But we can't enjoy the rain!" Shweta grunted and Sameer lighted his n'th cigarette.
"Who said you can't?" Mohit asked and looked at Shweta with a wide grin.
"Life kid...enjoy the moment while it lasts!"
"So what you propose pal?" Sameer asked from behind the curtain of dense smoke.
Mohit looked at the traffic and then swiftly moved out of the cab as the driver made a noise. Shweta had no time to react, Mohit was already opening her door.
"Out!"
"You are crazy!" She laughed and Sameer looked with a silly grin on his face.
"Got that right!"
"Stop being silly. It's awesome! And you wanted to enjoy the rain."
Shweta looked at Mohit's face. It had not taken him time to be drenched. His hair were now plastered to his skull and water running down his face.
"No please. I'll get wet." Shweta resisted and backed towards Sameer.
"Well...what the hell." Sameer said and a while later he was out too...

Shweta looked with incredulity at the two guys, standing in the rain. She knew Mohit to be eccentric but Sameer?
"You coming out kid?" Mohit asked.
"No." Shweta said and made to close the door.
"Hey...come on. be a sport." Sameer said and Shweta hesitated. The rain looked too inviting.
"Today won't last forever Shweta!" Mohit yelled and Shweta stared. They were now standing in the middle of the road, laughing at her and then on a joke they shared. Mohit was right, she thought and looked at her shoes.

She breathed out and then knowing that it was perhaps the craziest thing she had ever done in her life till now she stepped out. The water was cold as it seeped through her t-shirt and glided down her back, driving all the air out of her lungs. Instantly life falled back in place. She was out of her home, it was three thirty in the morning and she was standing in rain. The guys clapped and Mohit bowed as if honoring a queen. Music was gliding out of the cab now and Mohit was holding her hand and swaying with the music. Shweta had a faint idea of how people would be looking at them, many would be laughing, some frowning and others not bothering. Without realising why she matched Mohit's step with her own and felt exhileration course through her.

Life...well...life was good.

Beyond the lights!

2006-10-13T15:31:00.000+05:30

She looked wearily at the rain and then at her watch. 3 in the morning...
"Why do you have to go to office?" her sister asked, her face in shadows, sipping on the glass of water. They were sitting in their kitchen. She sighed, feeling all the more guilty. But somebody had to close the doors when she left.
"The cab should be here any minute now."
She nodded and looked outside the window. Rain would not stop soon. If only Shweta did not need this job! Feeling bitterness fill her heart she stopped thinking. There was nothing they could do. Shweta was still young. Hardly 20...But she couldn't tell her not to work. The horn brought action to the kitchen as Shweta stood up hastily.
"Bye."
She smiled and walked beside her younger sister, looking as she rushed through in the rain to her cab, Shweta sat in the cab, her face showing no signs of regret as she hastily started chatting with the person sitting in the front seat. She looked once at her and smiled as the cab drove into the darkness of the night. The tail lights dying away as the rain fell harder.

She latched the door and walked back to the comforts of her warm bed. Sliding in her blanket she felt the woman sleeping beside her move.
"Shweta left?'
"Hmm."
The silence stayed on for a while. Then she heard the sobbing.
"Ma?"
"She should be sleeping in her bed."
"Ma please. It's Shweta's choice. "

The woman looked at the bedside clock and then at the snap hanging by the wall. The steady breathing from next to her told that her other daughter was asleep. She stiffled her tears. She couldn't do anything...her eyes drifted back to the picture on the wall holding her first ever hockey cup and then towards the wheel chair lying close to her bed.

The rain fell harder still...

Waiting for Time!

2006-10-07T18:28:00.000+05:30

Time, they say, will pass you by.

For me...time stayed. I stayed here, silently watching generations come and go. I heard the flute being played in the corner room, could feel the laughter gliding through the wind into my ears. I have seen it all. Yet not said a word. Men...of all shapes and sizes have crossed my path, some stayed under the tree, some looked over the wall and some simply drifted away into the night. Yes...I have seen them all.

Have felt the gentle steps of a child, playfully rolling a pebble. Have felt the fast steps of a young woman rushing past my gully...I have felt the brave soldiers stomping away with courage. Yet I have stayed.

With the passing time I saw the boulders turn into dust. With time I saw a seed turn into a wilted tree. Yet I have stayed where I was.

Many a secrets lie with me. And I stay here. I wish to walk away into time...I ask wind to take away those secrets into the depths of the desert, ask for rain to wash away the pain to the depths of the sea...have begged the drifting man to stop for once and rest by me...

Time, they say, will pass you by...

So it seems...

(Thanks to Deepak for lending me this beautiful picture.)

Last Words

2006-10-05T15:54:00.000+05:30

"A wise man once said, when you reach the last page of the book...close the book."

This phrase was repeated in the movie Love bug and it has stayed with me since the time I first heard it. Pessimistic, cynical and perhaps depressing...I would not know what to call it. Yet it talks of the realities of life as we know it. How many of us have reached the end of something yet we hold on to the last memory with dear life, staying with it as time slips by our hands. What was that wise man thinking? What did he wish for us to do? To stop fighting or to simply accept the end and move on. Different perspectives. One is optimistic if we wish to see it like that; the other - indication of accepting fate.

Why am I talking about this...I woudn't know. But this is what came into my head when I decided to write this blog entry. I felt myself asking the all too important question...was I holding on to the last page of this book (read a certain issue in my life) or am I ready to close the book and move on to the next. But experience tells me that the last word is all too important in any book.

A few favorite last lines/phrases/words that make a book are

Happily ever after...

If...

Maybe, just maybe...

I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.

Truly, would you not for less than that make the tour around the world?

It made me wonder if i was to close the book...what would be the all important last line...

or on which line would i want to close this book...

I am still thinking...what would be that last line of your book?

Life...

2006-09-29T17:46:00.000+05:30

She sighed and groped for the glass of water, wondering why the screen was blurring so much. And then the tear trickled down her cheek...they had come knocking again. Yet she did not hate them. Like many people though she hoped that no one would see them. Glad that no one had noticed, she silently logged out and made her way to the roof.
Crossing the cafeteria she saw few colleagues sipping leisurely on their coffee at the Barista counter, few were otherwise busy eating and few more were talking on the phone. She felt a smile light her face. Some people could talk for endless hours...and it was 4 in the morning.

Warm breeze greeted her as she stepped out. Thankfully it was empty bar a man busy on his mobile and puffing away his cigarette. He wouldn't notice her, she thought and went towards the other side, putting the blanket of darkness between them to ensure nothing was visible. There, all alone she would be able to smoke in peace and cry. She had been trying hard to keep her cool but it was becoming all too difficult. He wasn't coming back, she thought and closed her eyes.
The cigarette was quick. Within seconds she felt the tears subsiding and her heart coming back to terms with the present.
"It is not going to help for long...you do know that...don't you?" the voice had no source. It was just there, the same husky baritone she had grown up loving. He was there, a cigarette in his hand, face lighted by his kind smile.
"My secret," he said and she smiled.
"I know. Ma told me."
He nodded and sat on the stair.
"Life goes on..."
"What if you don't want it to?" she asked bitterly and he smiled.
"You can't help it."
"I don't want to live. you know i don't. I just want to run away...from all of this..."
"Where would you run?" he asked patiently and she sighed.
"To a place where nothing would hurt anymore. Where I can live in ignorance of the pain of loving and loosing someone."
"Have you lost me?" he asked, his face blurring as tears filled her eyes.

The voice died away into the silence of her steady heartbeat. The tears were not there anymore. Yes she would never be able to hug him again, never feel his arms go around her in that comforting manner, would never feel his kiss on her forehead, would never have him reprimand her on being late or being stubborn. But she still had him...

She looked at the fading sky and found the star, shimmering in the dying night.
Barely two months ago her life had taken such a turn. She smiled from amidst her watery eyes as her lips moved in a whisper, "Happy Birthday Papa..."

Is raat ki subah nahin...

2006-09-23T15:18:00.000+05:30

She felt the cold shiver run through her...there was nothing she could do. The white fog had hidden everything from her sight. All she could see clearly was his grim face as he spoke in his mobile phone. Another half hour to kill, she reminded herself. The cabs were late because of the fog. And her shift was long over. Sighing she tried to force the cold coffee down her throat and then decided against it. He finally turned and looked at her. Her cab mate for the past 5 months now. He had never said anything other than the customary hi.
"You want to go inside and wait?" he asked.
"Not at all. I am liking it here."
He smiled and sat on the stairs so that she could see his dark hair. Many a times in the car she had wished to move her fingers through them. But that was something she did not have the guts for.

"So...talking to girlfriend?" she asked and he turned to look at her. The frown was replaced by a smile. He looked so innocent when he did that...she thought.
"Oh no. Was talking to a friend. He is leaving for Australia...so just..."
"Nice."
She smiled and looked away. It was so hard to talk to him. There was nothing she could do. It was perhaps because he never said anything. How hard it was to talk...and to think they talked for 8 straight hours in the job!!! He rubbed his hands and she stared.
"You are cold?"
"Aren't you?" he asked from chattering teeth and she shook her head.
"Not at all. Here...let me..." she said and took his hands into her warm ones. INstantly his face transformed.
"Better?" she asked, her eyes bright with a warmth she felt for him.
"Yes."

She withdrew her hands and looked at her watch. Sighing she stood up and walked to the door. He saw her from where he sat and took out a cigerette. His hands still felt the touch of hers...he still remembered the fire in her eyes. How he remembered the first day he had seen her, sitting in her cab patiently, waiting for him. The soft childish face bestowed with such warm eyes. Everything about this girl fascinated him. Her voice was sweet and clear, her manners left you in no doubt of her reserve. And her laughter while she took the calls could light up his face in seconds. How he wished he could talk to her...

He saw her through the curling smoke slowly making her way to the door. He so felt like rushing and opening the door for her. But he couldn't. And then she turned, bent ever so slightly on her stick.
"Coffee?" she asked him and he nodded.
"Uh...but how would you carry both the cups?" he asked and she laughed.
"Oh...I forgot."
And as she limped inside she knew he would never see her as anything more than a handicap and warm tears flooded her eyes.

A lesson not learnt!

2006-09-12T14:07:00.000+05:30

Call centres prepared me for a load many things. Yet it never taught me the realities of life or to be put honestly, the facts about Corporates. At this moment all I can say is that either I am caught up in a wrong place or perhaps there is something completely wrong with me. A senior recently said, "Kanika apparently call centres treated you rather well...for what you are going through is very common in corporates. That is how they work..."

What to say?

The things about the place they call call centres was that there was always loads of work there. You hardly got anytime to sit idle. Thought your job was miniscule yet its importance was openly acknowledged and everybody was ready with a smile. They would never stare arrogantly at you, never did anyone ignore a greeting and people in general though mostly sleepy, were full of life and dreams. Corporates, apparently lack all of it. They work in a 9 to 5 environment, always waste more time then do anything productive, a complete lack of training and total politics.

I am wrong. I let my first job teach me that everyone is equal, it taught me the importance of time and getting the work done, it taught me the importance of sticking to your commitment, healthy working environment and happiness as the essence. It taught me that every penny is worth it only when at the end of the day when you sit on your bed your work has exhausted you such that you can sleep peacefully.

It never taught me that discriminations happen, that incompetence is always tolerated and that punctuality is a myth.

Maybe it made me too idealistic...or maybe i never learnt that all crucial lesson of Perceptions can be deceptive...

Lesson 5: The night's the longest towards its end

2006-08-24T10:32:00.000+05:30

Sitting outside in the chilling cold of a december night, sipping on coffee that is cold before the liquid touches your lips is an experience hard to forget. As the cold stairs chill your spine, you look at the endless fog cover and wonder, when would the sun descend on us and when would the night be over. You look at the watch and realise its only three...yet strange...while the night was still young, it was still fun.

I am not only talking about the night shift that tends to be the longest when only half hour is remainng, but the long undying gloom that surrounds us. You tend to wait for daybreak, some glimmer of hope yet the darkness tends to strengthen its grip around you and then it begins to tire you. While fatigue grips your heart and the cold makes you numb you wish that the misery would end and that you would simpy be done with. You plan to make an exit from the stage of life, believing that the end is near and that the night has no dawn...

But how wrong we are. For the darkness seem to act as a cushion, understanding your misery and offering a caress to your senses. That infinite darkness of a long night stretched across your eyes, broken only by slight flickering of stars is not the sign of an end, but of a new dawn, waiting to open its arms and welcome you into a world of opportunity.

Many give up before the dawn princess opens her wings wide...and those who hold on witness the miracle of the first rays of sun piercing the dark folds of gloom as the dawn princess glides into your life...

Hold on...the end is near...for a new beginning

Lesson 4: The end is but a new beginning

2006-08-07T17:30:00.000+05:30

The best part about the call centres was that when your day ended...a new day began. Quite Literally. The night was warm and welcoming always, the day reassuringly bright...for me it was a blessing in disguise. And call centres taught me that the dark side of the moon is welcoming.

I was taught by the call centres the mystique of night, the way the darkness simply engulfed you into a nothingness where nothing really mattered except your own instinct. And it is if not the best but atleast the second best metaphor for life. We come across situations where there is no hope to be seen. Your friends turn their backs, some stab you in the back, some simply drift apart, times when all you can feel is a big chaos surrounding you...and call centres introduced me to the void!!!

Tired and lonely, many a times i have sat alone on the stairs of those particular office, wondering about the ups and downs of life. And the darkness around me seemed to remove the clutter of emotions, bringing back to me absolutely nothing. And in that instant was when my instinct answered. And on one such dark night i was introduced to GAuri...and you might ask who is she!!!

She is the main protogonist of my first novel. I could see the queen glide from the clouds, always hiding in the dark corners, looking at the places where the moonlight reached...and from there began my beloved characters journey...

And she...the woman that emerged from the dark corners of a long night is the sunrise of my life...or perhaps the one i hope would be!!!

A Call centre Story

2006-07-29T12:36:00.000+05:30

She looked with a sad smile on her face, her dark black eyes not hiding what she felt. She was not ashamed of her feelings...had never been. Neither had she asked him to reciprocate. Lighting the cigarette in her hand she sat on the stair, feeling the smoke ease out the tensions that seemed to flood her heart.
"So I will never see you again?" she asked and he nodded. The woman was unlike any other he had ever come across. Such honesty. A couple of months ago she had told him about her love for him. After that they had been friends, yet never had she asked for anything other than what he was able to give her...few moments of togetherness. A friend...that's it. Now she was leaving and she had no complaints. She could ask him to keep in touch...he too wanted to. Yet life was more complicated...
Accepting the forwarded cigarette, he nodded and sat next to her.
"We'll always be friends...right?"
She nodded, slowly inhaling on the smoke, avoiding to look at him. Without realizing it was time for her to leave, the cab mates were calling out to her.
"You take care. And do keep in touch. Bye," her voice was happy, face completely devoid of any pain he might have imagined.
They hugged and that was it. She left, not turning back and wishing life would give her another chance. She knew she would meet someone who would be able to love her...yet no regrets. She might not get love but she knew she had made a friend.

The boy shrugged and went back to his shift...the night was still young and he had to work.

He felt the strain getting to him...night after night he just worked. Just three more minutes for the shift to end, he thought, his eyes constantly on the Avaya, praying that it would not ring. He could see night fading away...2 minutes to five. I am out of cigarettes...the thought came crashing. And at this hour the pan wala next to the office was not present. And then he smiled, she would always have an extra cigarette to lend. Smiling he looked at the Avaya and then his login time...well...finally. three seconds won't really hurt!

And then after a series of codes he was logged out..the first of his team. Hurrying out he stopped for his coffee and then he was out. The empty stairs greeted his eyes. And in that instant the fact came rushing in...she would not be there to greet him in the mornings...he would never see her again. Slowly he sank to the stairs, the cigarette forgotten. When she was around he never realized...he had lost her...forever!

Lesson 3: YOU MAKE COLLEAGUES IN WORK PLACE...NOT FRIENDS!

2006-07-21T11:35:00.000+05:30

I interacted with a variety of people, from all parts of the country...big and small. And with every person there was a lesson to be learnt.

And though the number of lessons are innumerous, the one that I hold dearest to my heart is the first lesson my first Team Leader taught me.

YOU MAKE COLLEAGUES IN WORK PLACE...NOT FRIENDS!

All fresh and new to the world which was a total anti thesis of the world I had lived in, I was bound to look for friends, people who would make me feel comfortable. My life had made me totally vulnerable at that point of time and well...i was desperately looking for some comfort zones. My other life was totally messed...when i slept my friends went to college. And when i could talk...they were sleeping. And hence i made some major blunders. I started trusting people in the workplace and sharing my worries, my problems and everything under the sun. I made friends!

And then one fine morning i got the shock of my life...my so called friend was bad mouthing me. well...I was troubled. But i said nothing. Then another 'friend' approached my to be team leader and said that i should not be put in his team and that i needed her company for i was too vulnerable and we were the best of friends. I sat there, shocked and astounded but never said a word. The to be team leader then spoke with me alone and said that, "Kanika, we don't have friends in workplaces. We only have colleagues. The decision is yours..."

Honestly at that point in time i had thought that the team leader was completely out of his mind. That you can have friends anywhere.

But now i know. True you can have friends...but once you are out of that work place. When Working always and always remember...they are your colleagues. The way you shared your life with people who were your friend while in school and college...the same things make you vulnerable in workplace. One has to remember...All that glitters is not gold and People come in a variety of shapes and size and to deal with them you must remember this rule.

I am friends with a team leader of mine till date and he is a good friend...but the truth is...we became friends once I left working under him...

Lesson 2: Shit Happens....Life happens

2006-06-29T11:04:00.000+05:30

The thing that i really remember about my journey through the torturous night shifts was the obvious fatigue that gripped your mind, body and soul. After a long night shift which was often dragged by another 2 hours due to heavy call volume. The body used to be tired to the hilt. A stretched shift could drain out the will to live from your body. I remembered, sitting on the front porch, my mind refusing to work, my heart wishing to stop beating for a little while, eyelashes praying silently to drape over the reddened eyes. Add to that the other things that never stopped happening at the homefront. The continuos fights, and upheavel and the crying. (Had recently lost my father that had led me into joining the call centre in the first place.

I used to sit there and pray to god to let me give up. I remembered the tears that flowed in prayer from my eyes. A prayer to god to make me so weak that i would give up on life, stop the misery and reach out to my father who would take care of me. But i could not. Never could i GIVE UP ON LIFE. no matter how much i prayed, no matter how badly my body wished for complete silence, no matter how many times my heart cried for the peaceful sleep for it hurt with every heartbeat...my soul refused.

Nothing, my soul stayed free. And though it was shattered and tired, it was relentless and stayed with me. Through the moments when i was at the lowest in my life, my soul wished to touch the blue sky and take me with it. It stayed with me and I stayed on.

And after those moments, and the comfort of my bed when i woke up, i could hear my nephew giggling somewhere in the house and i realized...Shit happens....LIFE HAPPENS!!!

Lesson 1: Lights, phones and SMILE!!

2006-06-15T10:49:00.000+05:30

Call Centres have taught me so much. But one thing that they kept up with was a smile. The only word that runs a mile they say. Hmm...
Well...It was more monotonous than anything i had ever done...so i used to think at that time. It was always the same, log on to the system, the Avaya, mark your attendence, check the connection, the notepad and all, take a deep breath, push the button and SMILE. It was always the same. But was it?

Was it only the BPO mantra for good CSAT? Was it a call centre way of conducting business?

I don't know. The other day, all tired and frustrated i waited at my seat, trying to make sense of some numbers that had nothing to say to me. It was just plain numbers, arranged in a haphazard manner, overwhelming my mind into the oblivion where all i wanted was to close my eyes and sleep a dreamless sleep. And then i remembered the front porch of Daksh and Hughes, my favorite spots, where i used to sit after my days shift, all tired and puffy eyed, wanting nothing more than a wink of a sleep. I could feel the same stress, the same anxiety to get out of the monotonous routine life was slowly setting into. I so wanted to get back to my own comfortable bed and work on my book i am writing. And then i did what was the first lesson of my days in the call centre, take a deep breath and SMILE.

And there it was, for some reason the pattern emerged. I could see the numbers dancing to my tunes. They were waiting for me to dissect them into trends and patterns, make some sense out of them.

It worked. And i knew, call centre taught me the most wonderful thing in this world. If you want to stretch your mind's horizon, flex your muscles and do a simple workout. Smile...and the world Smiles back at you.

One Night at a Call Centre.....NAH!!

2006-06-12T13:24:00.000+05:30

I have been toying with the idea of starting a blog again. The one about Books has been rather neglected...but then...its for one purpose hence I decided that I needed another place to start talking.

And then I was wondering what is it that I want to share? Is it my life today? My past or what?

An inspiration stuck me like a bolt of lightning...my life and times in a Call Centre. I started seeing life from a different perspective..literally.
I had seen the world in the light of the day, seen life washed with bright sunlight. And then I saw it all drenched in a soft pale glow of the moon and I changed.

A twist in the road landed me on the doorsteps of Daksh eServices. 4th October 2002...what a day. All nervous...hardly 20 years old and a totally pampered spoilt brat. However there was a very different Kanika. This Kanika was totally low on confidence.

My first round was a quid pro quo. Then the second round. There, I was to be surprised. After the round, the woman said out my name and asked the rest of the 20 people to leave!!!!

Wow...what a trip. Anyhow, i got the job and joined on 7th Oct. 2002. My trip to office was as confusing as the world i was entering. What did i know about Call centres? Anyhow, I was there, all scared and lost. a part of me was dead. This was not what i had wanted out of life...yet there i was. Whether I liked it or not, I was working there. The first day was 9 to 5. Then, 3:30 in the morning!

But that day...or rather that morning i saw a pale moon, looking down at me with a soft glow and acknowledging me as a new entry into the midst of a family called the Call Centre Industry...

This blog will compare my life...and talk about all my journey from that very day...